Marine Wife Unplugged

Stop it!

2012-02-10T11:28:00.004-07:00

It's everywhere. It's in so many people. It's toxic. It breeds rebellion and stirs pots of contention. It runs faster than they can, and the only way they can stop it from infecting others is by renouncing it in their own life. The problem is, they're secretly addicted to their own demise. It's popular. It's empowering. They think they shine, while others see them as dull and disheartening. If anyone confronts them about it, the beautiful mask disappears and the demon behind comes out for a duel.

Before I get into this, don't come at me with knives because you think I'm not having enough compassion or love. Don't make a poor judgement like that right now. Hugs and kisses are not the nature of this post. There are times for that. This isn't one of them. But if I did not CARE about what I'm saying here or the people I am talking about, if it did not rip me to the core for the sake of the gospel, I wouldn't even bother typing. Keep that in mind while you read.

Mothers, you are not better than fathers. You do not have the most important job in the world. You are given no more authority than God has given you, and I can promise you that He didn't give you His job. You don't rule the roost. He does. You keep deifying yourselves, empowering yourselves to make fathers second-rate, even if you in your past have not felt particularly oppressed by men in the past. You use the womens' rights movement as an excuse to get your way, assuming that men will support you because you demand it, except that the men secretly wish you'd be a real mother who cherishes masculinity as much as femininity. You have penis-envy and you have transformed your self-righteous image of motherhood into a pair of voluptuous breasts that give milk to the whole world. But the world does not need you more than fathers. You deceive yourselves.

God did not give you the position of motherhood so that you could monopolize it and add to the sins of others. Your children look up to you because you demand for them to, punishing them if they do not do as you wish by guilt-tripping them or bribing them. Emotionally charged "but I do this all for you" chants come flying from your lips while you spend hours making yourself better. For who? For yourselves. You are stuck in idolatry and sometimes you go to church or offer charitable works on the side. God can find no flaw in you, right?

Wrong.

A Christian parenting web page that I "was" frequenting took time to exalt mothers today to the extent that they said "The most important job on the face of the earth... The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world. YOU are appreciated- Enjoy your special day!" When I asked them if they could write something "just as amazing for the fathers," they wrote a list of things we could do for fathers to show our appreciation. That was it. No flowery exaltation of the hard work that fathers do to provide for others more than mere finances, or to love those who are disrespectful toward them, or to encourage those who are bitter and contemptuous to surrender to Christ and pray, acting in accordance with righteousness rather than fleeting ideas. There was nothing about how amazing fathers were for guiding mothers in their parenting so that they could actually BE Christlike. Nothing! Their list of what makes a good father was so short in comparison to their list of what makes a good mother that I knew the post had to be from a mother taken captive by an excuse to applaud a danger zone she didn't know much about.

There was no way I was going to turn their head or change their mind. I just left the page, came to my blog, and began to reflect with anger toward the obvious and common rejection of the role fathers play. People talk about wanting balance in their lives but from the outsider's position, it's so easy to see just how unbalanced things are. Now, if you know me well, you know that I loathe the word balance by modern standards, especially when it comes to anything spiritual versus natural. Those who are Spirit-filled and Spirit-led often appear to the world as being off-balance. Too much into God, too much into church, too much of a stickler for memorizing Bible verses, too quick to repent, too quick to encourage others to repent, etc. The people who taste a bit of God and are satisfied with that consider that balance is the ultimate virtue, while those who are Biblical know that God is either your friend or your enemy (if I can possibly dumb Him down to a mere friend -- which I cannot -- but I'm trying to make a simple point here). God isn't an accessory.

I say this because "Christian" woman, "Christian" mothers, professing "Christian" people in general should not be seeking this sort of lop-sided balance that I keep seeing. Is my "sight" the standard? Absolutely not. I'm saying the Bible is the standard, and in Scripture, I see fathers AND mothers commended for doing their duties, edifying one another, building one another up, not taking cheap shots to fish for compliments from other women if they are not feeling as desired as they wish by their husbands. Biblical mothers know their salvation is of the Lord. Their joy is of the Lord. Why do they insist on puffing themselves up to the point where they say that mothers have the most important job on the planet? Statements like that are void of understanding. Void of the fear of God. Full of worldly, flesh-fulfilling, instant-gratification "I'll help myself to this... and this and this" mentalities. The danger is that people feed off of this!!!! They get high off of words!!!

If you're a Christian leader, especially one who leads women, would you please do yourself a favor and lead people toward Christ instead of themselves? We cannot find what we need in of ourselves if we do not fear the Lord for who He is and completely lay ourselves down. You don't need to have amazing self-esteem to do your job well. If you are of God, you are committed to Him. He will give you the joy you need. There is a joy in doing as you're told. Whatever happened to desiring to hear "well done, my good and faithful servant?" No no... now we just want to hear how amazing we are as mothers while we leave our husbands an almost impossible task of leading us while we repel them. We want our husbands to desire us while we also desire.... ourselves? Yuck!

I am challenging you today, if you are Christian and married and a parent, to do something.
-Make a list of what you think makes a good father. Then make a list of what God says a good father is. (Hint: God the Father will help you out there!) Make a list of what you think makes a good mother, and then make a list of what God says a good mother is. Compare the two, and be real about it. Present your prayers, even if there are tears, and confess your sins to God. This might take you a while, and that's ok. It would be better for you to spend the rest of your life examining yourself against Scripture than making things up as you go with a mere hope that you have things right, when in reality, your thoughts are not God's thoughts. He's made this all very simple in Scripture. You just need to search out the answers. Is your family worth it? It better be.

The women who believe they have the toughest job in the world and that men are second-rate are missing some really obvious things here. I am not going to put the answers here. If you want the truth, you will search it out. If you search for God, the truth in Christ, you will find it. The Word of God does not return void. I will not make it that easy for you. I say that because if you seriously want to honor God with more than your lips or your little prayers, you're going to go through a heart-change, and that heart-change is something completely beyond me. It's of God, by God, for God.

This is serious. This deception is not just in the secular world. It's in the church. Beware of it. Run from it. Rebuke it when you see it. Teach others what is honorable. Find out what honors God, and then DO IT.

It's Not that Simple

2012-02-09T16:34:00.006-07:00

I can't see what lies directly in front of me, but I can tell you that I know I am directly in the center of God's will right now. No matter what happens, who comes, who doesn't come, or anything else.... I will be prepared. I will be prayed up, I will have my spiritual armor cleaned, on, and ready for use at all times, I will sanctify the Lord in my heart and be ready to give a defense of the faith (for the hope that is within me) with meekness and fear (1 Peter 3:15), and so help me God, I will have fresh, homemade soup on the stove. You're welcome to come at any time. This house is a house of refuge, and it belongs to God. Period.

When you pray for more faith, you can expect God to give you trials that cause you to use the faith you may not even be sure is there. If you pray according to His will, you can expect that He will answer that prayer, whether or not you're actually prepared for the answer you think you want. God will meet you because faith is a gift. We do not naturally know how to adjust our lives to a gift we don't know how to use until we "put it on," in a sense. Expect that you will be made uncomfortable, but that your comfort will come from God as you trust in Him; as you walk out your life in that faith. No matter how hard it gets, remember that it's faith in the work that Jesus did that makes the difference: Not faith that your prayers are heard (although it matters), not faith that you're praying the right prayers (although it matters), not faith that you're good enough to be heard (because faith in Christ has nothing to do with how good or bad you are), not faith that you've been repenting enough for God to hear your heart. Nothing like that. Faith in Jesus saves, heals, delivers, restores, redeems, and sets us free from bondage to our own disastrous patterns, thoughts, actions, etc. Trust God to move on your behalf because of what He has already done in the lives of others, of His own chosen people, and trust Him completely.

This is very important. When you are trying to minister to someone who is facing serious issues from every direction in life, be careful about what Bible verses you give them, especially things like "count it all joy" (James 1:2) and "everything works for the good..." (Romans 8:28). It's not that easy. It's not that clear. Psalm 73 wrestles with this. This world is messed up. Bad things happen. Do not pretend that you can figure it all out, like "if they would just trust in Jesus, the person would fix their issues." In real tragedy, there is a real temptation to be vain. It's hard to keep our hearts clean. But wrestle!! Wrestle with it. The Bible doesn't want you to pretend there is no temptation or that is it all easy. The same Bible that affirms God's sovereignty, the same Bible that says all things work for the good of those who are called according to His purposes, also says "there are times it's going to feel like this," and it all fits. What a comfort it is that it all goes together and that there WILL be answers. Even in the midst of that trial. Even when you conclude that it's all pointless. Even THAT is consistent with Christian faith. This is real talk, with some paraphrased highlights from a good sermon by a pastor in my town: A man by the name of Nick Smith. If you want to hear his sermon (it's good), click here and click play next to the sermon called "The Dark Night of the Soul."

The righteous do suffer, and we must share in the suffering of those who take up their crosses. The cross is hard and yet the cross is the resolution. Where else can you go?

Good Things

2012-02-08T16:56:00.001-07:00

I am bubbling over with excitement, so I'm going to share things and hope that you will just enjoy the breakthroughs vicariously through my words. Okay... ready?

We got out of debt today!!!!

We didn't have "a lot" by average American standards, in other words, nothing close to $10,000 or more, but when it comes to debt, you don't have to have a lot for it to weigh on you. Our debt was from school. Specifically, the VA was supposed to increase my husband's disability rating to 100% while he had combat-related surgery while on the G.I Bill, but they did not do so, and because my husband had to drop to part-time while recovering, the G.I. reward was terminated. This left us with a bit of money to pay off. Living on $7.50/hr and trying to keep up with bills left us able to afford only $50 a month, which the college actually laughed at, but laugh all they did, we could do no more.

Then the US Treasury teamed up with them, claiming we also owed them $50 a month. Things were insanely tight and many nights, dinner was a baked potato (and we normally skip breakfast except for coffee), but we ate every day, so you didn't hear me complain about it. The US Treasury did not tell us that the money was linked to the G. I. Bill. We were just sent to Debt Management and that was supposed to be the end of that. It was one of those "just say yes, sir" deals, because we weren't going to hear the end of it. We're government property even though we're not active. A blessing and a curse. :)

Well, tax returns came! Last year we didn't have enough to pay things off, so we just kept paying what we could monthly. This time, we paid off the school student balance (and no, he's not going to re-register there because the school's religion department is full of heretics -- long story), and found out that the Treasury balance went to zero! Apparently we had been paying double for a while and had no idea! SO EXCITING!!

Now we're just going to sell our bike back to the company we bought it from. We don't "need" a motorcycle. We manage as a family on one vehicle, and it's okay. My husband's work hours are screwy, but so what, you know? We deal.

Other good news: The ban on TDRL servicemen and women being able to go back to prior service has been lifted. This means that if my husband is found fit for service after his evaluation (set for March now, the date changed AGAIN --whatever--), he cannot be withheld from reenlisting in the infantry. DO YOU KNOW HOW INCREDIBLE THAT IS?! It means nothing since technically there's no guarantee of a position AND we know the military is downsizing, but you know what? That's still important. There has been a major lag on orders being sent out and the guys having their evaluations across the branches, so this news means things are being done about it. Hush hush. I found out inside information about this this morning. I won't say anymore. Just believe me when I say there is hope, hence my blog header.

Lastly, we may have found a church!!!!!!!!!! I'll give more details about that after the weekend comes. I am optimistic.

Oh ok ok.. one more thing. I'm still working out with Jillian Michaels, it's going great, and today since we had extra tax return money, I picked up the $10 Butt, Hips, and Thighs workout. That's my trouble zone, so.... I will be giving IT some trouble tonight. :)

Has something happened in your life lately that has really encouraged you? Please share in your comments below! I bet you will encourage someone else by sharing!!

Oh Mother, How Art Thou?

2012-02-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not better than you. I am who God is making me, and I don't know how to rebel against Him without crushing repercussions. That said, I hope that this post does not seem like conceit, because it isn't. I'm stumped right now, and wondering why I already know so much. How self-righteous does that sound, right? Well, when gaining understanding, knowledge, and wisdom are your obsessions, you ought not be afraid to say that when you have them, you indeed have them. Oh God... please be glorified in this post...

I weighed the pros and cons of writing on this topic for about an hour and the deciding factor came from the feeling of uneasiness in my gut. I know if I don't write it down, my list of regrets will lengthen. This is not a homeschooling blog, though as some of you know, I am trying to school my son at home. He enjoys it, but not every day. Truth be told, he's three, and I don't "home school" every day. I switch things up. Why? Because he's a fast learner, and he gets bored easily. If we do a day of crafts, a day of hands on writing, a day of outdoor activities, a day of "figure out what you know all by yourself," and whatever else, things seem to stick more. I don't know how to explain it any other way. The only thing my son loves to hear about consistently (and part of me wishes I was making this up because I know it's rare) is the Bible. He could talk about God all day long: God's forgiveness, God's election, God's discipline and correction, the facets of Christianity, the essentials, the characteristics of being born-again, the joy of serving, etc etc.

I find that the more I speak to him about the faith that saves, the more I question myself, the more I examine myself according to Scripture, and the more I frequently want to run away into a cave (or a closet) and hide. I struggle with ideas of inadequacy in all areas of my life. The ideas and feelings don't cripple me, but they remain thorns in my side. This is normal. In fact, it's a Grade-A, classic example of the heart of a woman who has herself hidden in the Lord, wanting to serve and glorify Him as much as possible. Parenting is hard, and parenting is a gift I've been given. It's a soul-tie. It's a hardship. It's one of the greatest joys and heartaches I'll ever know, no matter what the outcome is.

When I grow old, I want to teach younger women what I have learned. I want to be a Godly example not because I believe I have what it takes to necessarily be that example, but because I am commanded to by Scripture. If it was not possible, it would not be commanded. This is the desire of my heart, though. It's not a mere duty on my "someday, do this" list. I want to equip others to live their lives to the fullest in service to their Savior. The more obstacles I sift and groan through, the more tools I gain through which to serve others, and, in essence, be Christ. That's the goal: To be just like Jesus. Holy. Devout. Submissive. Humble. Forgiving. Protective. Honorable. Patient. Kind. Firm. Unrelenting. Zealous. True. Faithful. The list goes on and on.

I read a conversation tonight about this very topic. Older women were asked to give advice (or share stories of regret) to the younger women. I was enthralled by what I read. These women wished they had not entrusted others to teach fundamentals of the Christian faith to their children. They wished they had just studied up and learned it themselves and not so easily believed someone would teach their children correctly. Many wished they didn't yell at their children. They wished they had more grace. More patience. More understanding. Many wished they spent more time with their children. Plenty of them wished they had taught their children to memorize Bible verses.

The pain I heard through their words made me want to hug them all. Their heartache was undeniable. Some expressed that what was written made them cry. See, I've been studying parents. Mothers, father, grandparents, and those who wish they could have children. I study people. I have been a people-watcher all my life. There's no degree for this. Just intuition and critical thinking, and a desire to perhaps understand why people are the way they are. I have to know "why" for everything. Why certain components are necessary for the equation to be complete (whatever it may be). I'm terrible at math, but I'm obsessed with gaining wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Something occurred to me tonight.

All of the woes of the older women, well, they're all different than mine. I don't scream at my son. I almost always talk to him at a reasonable decibel, identical to how I speak to adults. I show an amount of patience (most of the time) that has been shown to me by God's grace. He keeps teaching me and morphing me into someone holy, and I guess there's nothing I can say about that other than I am living proof that what God says He does in Scripture to the regenerate is true -- completely and wholly.

I don't worry about leaving other people to teach my son what I need to teach him. I just worry that I have left something out. I don't believe anyone can teach my son about parenting from a maternal perspective like I can. I don't believe anyone's going to teach him about nurturing others with compassion and grace the way I will. I just believe it's my job to teach him, and my privilege. If I don't fill that spot in his big bag of needs, no one else is going to. So.... I wear the burden of shaping character, and it's a burden I've grown to love (and fear), but I do it anyway.

I don't know how not to show grace. There is grace in a firm grip, there is grace in a glass of milk. There is grace in tears and grace in poverty. The grace I am shown is the only grace I can show to him, and this grace I speak of is of God. How could I withhold that from him? I don't see how. Maybe it's my attitude. Maybe I just, well, I don't know. I don't have the words to explain myself well on this topic. It's by grace I am saved, not of myself, so I can't boast. How could I boast in this? I'm just being continuously transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I can live as sacrifice unto the Lord, pleasing Him. I hope it shows.

I spend every day with my son, and more often than not, just being in my presence is enough of a security blanket for him to know that his home is established on a solid rock. Quality time isn't hard to come by. Salvation doesn't budge. Mama's not going anywhere, for as long as the Lord wills.

He's memorizing Scripture, and we'll be starting to memorize the Westminster Shorter Catechism soon. I don't care how long it takes to memorize every bit of it. It will get done even if it takes years. Time isn't the issue when you know you are working out your salvation with fear and trembling. We are addicted to God in this house. He will lead us.

As I read Proverbs 23 and 24 to my son tonight before bed, I thought to myself, "The Lord be blessed among this dwelling place, and let my son be a light to all others, that he may not falter in adversity, that his heart would not faint even if it does grow weary, and that his stamina would be counted among the many saints of this nation, the meek and the noble, the wise and the simple. May he receive instruction, love wisdom, and walk in understanding. May he fear the Lord and may he serve Him so that even the angels grow to respect him. And may I be the proper mother to help this come to pass."

I praise God that I have learned to do all of these things at a young age in my parenting career, but I have to wonder, if I've learned all of this now, does it mean my life will be shorter? I thought the things I learned were supposed to be learned by old women in the church: elders, if I may. Or what possibly will the Lord do with this? What will be achieved? I don't have the answers. I merely found out tonight that I'm a better mother than I thought I was... and realizing this truth is frightening to me, because I'm at the bottom of the chain of command. I'm a grunt when it comes to mothering. I'm no officer. I'm enlisted to my death, and it's an honor to do/be such. Why I have already learned and put into practice on a daily basis so much at my age is beyond my understanding, so I will take life one step, one day, one moment at at time, preparing for the future, establishing each as a day the Lord has made. He leads me and I don't know how to turn my head away from Him, lest my house come crashing down on account of my folly, I unravel all that I have worked toward, and my son become a beast of a child. I don't compare my son to children who are unsaved. I compare him to Samuel, who was dedicated from birth to serve the Lord. I'm just the mother who, beyond my understanding, gets to raise him.

I talked about this with my husband, and he gave me a reassuring glance as he said "I told you.. it isn't that hard. You are made to do this. Others are made to do this, too. You just have your ears and eyes open at a younger age." Ok no, he didn't say it quite so flowery, so the quotes really have no place being here, but that is what I heard out of what he did say. He knows I have a tendency to let my fears and perfectionist-mentality get the best of me. I consider prayerfully that tonight, the Lord taught me again that He is perfect: Not what's in my mind. When I focus completely on Him, I learn what I need to learn much faster than if I tried to measure up on my own agenda. I learned tonight that despite my own thoughts, when I check myself against the "older and the wiser," I realize I have grown more in my walk with the Lord than I initially thought. It's good.

Last Dance

2012-02-04T20:01:00.001-07:00

Do I have everything packed? Did I get my social security card issues taken care of? Is the car really sold? What will tomorrow look like? Please, time, stand still! We have to enjoy this night. I have to enjoy this night. I know I will remember this night for years to come and will tell of it to my children.
I drove my red 1992 Chrysler Lebaron coupe convertible up the Branford, Connecticut hill, desperate for a place to pull in and release the grip of fear and anxiety on my heart. He was there in the passenger seat, my hand in his, gently rubbing my hand with his thumb. He was my only attachment to reality, except that everything about my new relationship with him seemed like some fanatical fairy tale meant for the silver screen. He noticed I sped up as I located a dance studio, though empty and dark. I turned right abruptly, and he asked if I was ok. A parking lot with plenty of space beckoned me.
"Of course, I'm not okay! This whole thing is crazy! No one believes us. I'm not sure if you pinched me I'd be grounded. I am driving my car but I can't feel my feet! I'm married to a Marine who's deploying to Iraq tomorrow, and I'm flying across the country tomorrow to meet his parents and completely give up my life as I know it."
He sighed carefully, and I could tell he was testing how his thoughts would sound if he uttered them through his warm lips. He took the chance with a concerned smile in his eyes. "Well, other than that, you're ok, right?"
"Oh, sure," I shrugged. "Other than that, I'm just fine."
Gentle humor mixed with chivalry had always been his way of doing things. Quiet and steady, purposeful. Nothing like myself; spontaneous, flighty, free-flowing, and sometimes too hasty in the name of adventure, he never spoke or made a move without weighing all possible outcomes. I put down the car's roof so that our faces could catch a tan in the starlight.
What a clear night it was. A delicate shoreline breeze caressed tall evergreens around us, frogs and crickets serenaded us from a lake across the street, and I saw an opportunity to escort my husband into a chance to dance with his new bride. I popped my Frank Sinatra compact disk into the center console, and briskly opened the door while my heart tried to still itself. I was about to ask a question I'd never asked before.
"Please dance with me. Right here. Right now," I said. My forcefulness was not intentional. I was nervous. "Last Dance" came on, and though it was so appropriate for the moment, I clung to my love, trying to record and savor every aspect about how he moved, how he breathed, how he smelled, how muscular he was through his personalized 'Camp Fallujah' button-down collared jean shirt (from his first deployment), black belt, jeans, and steel-toed black boots, and how he softly hummed off-key as Frank sang over us. His gold wedding ring was a sight to behold in of itself. Frank Sinatra had been "my boyfriend" for years (well, one of them), but now I saw myself beginning a long journey through adulthood with Frank's songs as my musical love-staple, catapulting me into a relationship like none other.
In other words, I would always have this memory of dancing under the stars to fall back on, with a man I'd been writing to for two months, married to for seven days, who was about to take my heart with him in his flak, over to stifling 130 (F) degree summer heat, sand, and insurgents. I would need this in the coming months, when my heart-strings were pulled and stretched to their max. My husband epitomized all that was masculine: boldness to face life that I always wished I had in of myself, and a fearlessness that caused my heart to crumble every time I looked into his cobalt blue eyes. Nothing else mattered when I was with him. Nothing else mattered even when he spoke to me, because his voice was deep, smooth, and buttery like New Orleans jazz from the famed French Quarter. It was all I could do to stand on my feet when I thought about the audacity he had to propose, fly across the country, marry in the middle of the woods, and then fight in battle with someone at home to fight for. The ultimate love story. It was very hard to believe that I was part of it. That's what it was though, and that's what it still is.
So we danced, and under the stars we found out we had been familiar with two completely different sets of dance moves. Myself from the east, himself from the west, we tripped all over ourselves, looked confused, and threw each others for spins in that empty parking lot. When you're in love, stepping on toes is beautiful, not painful. We hugged, we giggled, and I saw a few twinkles of surprise in his eyes when I spun away from him with my arms outstretched, being led by love; a love that had no real rhythm or sense. I twirled and jumped in the air, and then ran and jumped into his arms. He caught me, held me, and dipped me, spun me around, and sang with a boyish grin that few people ever see out of tough killing machines like infantry Marines. His hands were so strong and assuring, but so polite and compassionate! I would have known he had danced competitively in the past even if he hadn't told me. Please God, kill time for us. When he kissed me, I could have died. I was surprised I didn't.
Six hours later I rushed him to the airport so he could fly back to his Camp Pendleton unit, hurry up, and wait. Our romance appeared to stop as fast as it started, and my friends thought I was a goner, kissing a week-long dream into a bullet and sending it on its way. It was in God's hands, and in silence I packed up my carry-on, flew to fight in my own battle, my own deployment, my own harsh journey of growth.
A town does not roll out a red carpet for you when no one knows your name, much less for someone who is led by the Lord to a complacent area of the country. A stranger in a foreign land, I journeyed fearing that the pain of looking too far forward might just be as painful as looking back. I closed my eyes, thanked God for getting me out of my boring life full of painful experiences and lessons learned, and embraced the new culture I was coming into, thanking God especially for giving me a gift for writing -- a gift I was sure to use every day to write to my Marine. I had much to be thankful for, even in my uncertainty. I wanted others to know that crazy love is worth it so long as the commitment is equal to the craziness.
I saved each "last dance," each last prayer, and each last hope for my husband at night, and all of those dance moves, poems, and prayers crept their way into seven page letters written every day during that deployment. I wanted him to know that it didn't matter the surroundings, whether we were in a dimly lit parking lot or separated by culture, climate, political upheaval, socio-economic woes, or pressures from above, I was going to dance with him through everything.
Going on five years later, I think about that night we danced under the stars, because when I am stressed just a bit (or a lot) more than usual, Frank sings to me, and every time I hear his voice, I think about my husband. Frank is singing to me right now.

Q and A

2012-01-25T11:53:00.003-07:00

I got this from Erika, who owns the blog Chambanachik. I like her! And I liked the Q & A's on her page, so I emailed for permission to re-post this, even though I wasn't tagged. She obliged, so here it goes! :)

The Rules

1. You must post the rules (and link up who tagged you).
2. Post eleven fun facts about yourself on the blog post.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you've tagged.
4. Tag however many people you want
5. Let them know you've tagged them!

11 Facts About Me

1. Every time I work out (every other day, pretty faithfully), I crave tuna and edamame. If neither of those are available from my kitchen (and they usually aren't), I drink tea with honey, scrounge the kitchen, and pray that I do not eat more calories than I just worked off.

2. I have no tolerance for "stupid" and I am getting bolder at making this known.

3. I struggled my whole life with wanting to "fit in" with people until recently, when I threw my hands up in the air and said "Screw this! I'm just going to line myself up with Scripture. At least God doesn't go back on His word!"

4. I don't like bananas.

5. I'm 5'4, but my shortness never comes across in my writing. :P

6. Someday I'm going to blow your minds. I have no idea if this is good or bad. LOL

7. When I was in high school, I was thrown into lockers, had juice boxes thrown at my head, and was constantly bullied. No one did anything about it until my senior year when I marched down to the principal's office and got the jerks expelled. It was the first time I ever really stood up for myself.

8. The way people excuse their sin drives me to the edges of my sanity in rage. It's not easy to love people who claim to love the Lord but live like heathens. (I'm not easy to love, either.)

9. I get along really well with people who have Asperger's Syndrome, though I don't have any mental handicaps of my own.

10. I am half blind. For real.

11. I think more clearly at night than in the morning. I've always been like this.

Erika's Questions For me

1. What is something you're known for?

My good looks. HA! HA HA HA! Such a lie!!!! I'm known for speaking the truth while everyone else around me is too chicken to. (And that's the truth.)

2. What dessert would you make for me if I came for a visit?

I would make you cannoli from scratch!

3. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would you pick? (Example: I really liked the miniature giraffe in those commercials! ;) )

A horse. Or maybe chicken(s) because they produce food - breakfast. Better to have an animal that I can put to good use, I think.

3. Where do you see yourself in 50 years?

Probably killed for my faith. It's not gonna happen without a fight, though. I won't give in that easily. I don't have a martyr complex.

4. What was the best day of your life so far?

The best day of my life so far would be the day I received Christ and gained eternity. I know where I've come from, I know why I'm here, and I know where I'm going. That's pretty amazing.

5. What kind of things do you do every single day, without fail?

Breathe, pee, complain, pray, regret complaining, regret not praying more, pray more, thank more, love others, esteem others higher than myself, praise God, take care of my son, concern myself with my duties, laugh, conquer the works of darkness, intercede. You know... the usual. LOL

6. What subject do you know more about than most people?

Christianity.

7. What would be your perfect date night?

Getting dressed up and looking absolutely delicious, going to a gorgeous restaurant somewhere beautiful that I've never been before, ordering anything off the menu without any financial restrictions, dancing in public view, laughing, walking around, an excellent cup of coffee, feeding each other finger foods at a tiny cafe, having pictures taken where my husband is smiling (he doesn't like his picture taken, though he's got a great smile), and then amazing sex. That's right. :D

8. Where is your favorite place to be?

In the center of God's will. (You probably wanted a location, but I can say for sure that if I'm not where God wants me, it doesn't matter where I want to be. I will be miserable if I'm not where God wants me to be.)

9. What is something valuable you've learned from your mom and/or dad?

From my mom -- it's a gift to be simple. The thing is, I'm not simple at all. Nice to know it's a gift, though! haha

10. What color do you like to wear the most?

I like to wear a variety of colors (matches my personality), but my favorite color is red.

11. What did you want to be when you grew up? (And are you there yet?)

I wanted to be a singer when I was little. Eh... been there, done that, still doing it. I never wanted to be a wife or a mother when I was little just because I didn't think I was worthy enough to be one. I didn't dream that far. Now I'm way more than I ever dreamt I'd be. :)

My Questions for Tagged Friends

1. Have you ever told a stranger about salvation through Christ?

2. Have you ever been to a chiropractor?

3. When you first learned about PTSD, what did you think of it?

4. Have you ever regretted being married? (If you're single, skip this one.)

5. If your spouse said they wanted you to wear skirts for the rest of your life because he loved how you looked in them, would you have a problem with that?

6. What are you most thankful for today?

7. How often have you been angered by things you have read on my blog?

8. Describe a time you helped someone out anonymously and did not seek recognition for it.

9. What household chore do you gripe about performing the most?

10. How can you tell if someone is really following the Messiah?

11. Do you think that Barack Obama is a good president?

Who I'm Tagging

-Nicole at Being A Marine Wife

-Poekitten at Many Waters

-Semper Wifey

-Ashley at The Mommyhood Adventure

-Mrs Sykes at Forever Yours, Semper Fi

-Erin at Deployment Woes

-Nike Athena at Small Town Girl

-Sucker 4 Accoustic at FOUR is the Magic Number

-Jackie at Jackie No Name

-Kristle at Forget the Dog Not the Baby

-Amber at Goodnight Moon

My Husband's Blog

2012-01-19T15:44:00.002-07:00

I am taking a moment to ask that if you follow my blog, you also follow my husband's. His newest video blog talks about what it's like being married to me, as well as some other things that I am sure you'll find interesting, especially if you have been affected by PTSD in any way.

I know for a fact that he would love some feedback and comments if you watch what he has to say. He, like myself, welcomes all questions, and enjoys taking time to answer each of them.

Nicholas's blog -- What Rabbit Hole?

What's YOUR Song? -Link-Up-

2012-01-18T22:08:00.001-07:00

I'm linking up with Goodnight Moon tonight. She hosts a song link-up once a week on her blog that allows bloggers to share a song that fits their mood and meet other bloggers. "All-Consuming Fire" is a song I've had on my mind for a few days now. I had never really been a fan of rap growing up, but recently became a huge fan of both Shai Linne and Flame because of the depth of theology in their songs. Rather than crunching my teeth (which I do quite often with contemporary Christian songs, even though I'm not against contemporary Christian music), I can sit back, relax, and can just worship God. This song in particular hits home for me. I can't post the lyrics on my blog because they're protected, but you can read them here, on Shai Linne's blog.

Still writing the chapter...

2012-01-18T00:50:00.002-07:00

“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man;

but God is faithful,

who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able,

but with the temptation will also make the way of escape,

that you may be able to bear it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 NKJV

We're going to end a chapter in our lives soon. Balboa's TDRL (Temporarily Disabled Retirement List) office called Nicholas today, and this time said that the next set of orders he receives [for March] for his medical evaluation will be the last set they send him. This means the flight itinerary has to work out this time, but not just the flights. Everything has to work out this time, to whatever end it becomes. Our chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him, and we'll find a way to do that no matter what happens, because that's what Christians do, but as far as what becomes of us in the next six months, even, we won't know until we get there. (Can someone please fix this broken record, already? Ha!)

Even if Nicholas can't land a spot back in Active Duty right now (hello economy and military downsizing), at least being found 'fit for service' will open up doors for law enforcement (and other things) in a huge way. No promises, of course, but being able to arrest the jerks he's been cleaning up after for a year would be a really nice change of pace! (Humor me, please.) He's working a janitorial job, for those of you who do not know. We're all pretty sick of it. He's applied to hundreds of other jobs, but... nothing. It's frustrating to apply for so many jobs without any success. God obviously has another plan. Over time, we've learned to be okay with the unknown, mostly because we found if we dwelt on what we did not have or what might be if things were different than they were, we just went insane. Who are we to question what God's doing, right? Right. Only so many factors in our lives are in our own control, and even then, it's all subject to God anyway (Hebrews 2:8).

The thing is, when you get discharged for PTSD (and a TBI), you do whatever you can do: whatever you're able to. "Veterans Preference" doesn't do much for guys who have PTSD written on paper, especially if it's for 40% or greater (and you can read my blog profile to find out Nicholas's percentage was higher than that), so they take what they can get for employment. Nicholas had janitorial work open up to him, and he seized the opportunity, of course. The goal for all of us is to bloom wherever we are planted, build skills, contribute to society in a positive way, and push ourselves toward further healing -- PTSD or not. We knew this, but knowing and applying what you know despite obstacles are two different goals, and both are hard to meet. That's what we did, with and without the help of others.

In our case, together we dealt with two years of unemployment, one [almost two] season(s) of homelessness, and plenty of other junk along the way (see my PTSD/TBI tab), all while waiting for a medical evaluation that we thought might never come. Hope differed makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). I mean, knowing the evaluation has to occur [by federal law] and wishing with everything in us that we could still be a part of the active fight, all while watching the military downsize and the number of PTSD-discharged vets spiral completely out of control, wondering if our fate would be the same as everyone else's because of those four terrible letters inscribed on paper -PTSD-, kind of wreaked havoc on our faith and our stamina! And really, why wouldn't our fate, our destiny, our predestined or foreordained outcome or whatever you want to call it, be the same as that of others? We're nobody special. So many are getting snub-nosed and passed off. Of course we've thought about this. Of course we have! Oh well. There's something we know that many others do not. We know what Scripture says.

"14 What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not! 15 For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.” 16 So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to the Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.”18 Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens.
19 You will say to me then, “Why does He still find fault? For who has resisted His will?” 20 But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” 21 Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor?
22 What if God, wanting to show His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, 23 and that He might make known the riches of His glory on the vessels of mercy, which He had prepared beforehand for glory, 24 even us whom He called, not of the Jews only, but also of the Gentiles?"

-Romans 9:14-24 (bold face print, my own emphasis)

Do you know what this means? It means that because we're saved by the blood of Jesus, we're the vessels of honor. It means that God is showing mercy to us, that His power is in us, He has raised us up from the death we once knew (our sinful bodies pre-redemption), and we get to declare His name to all the earth. That's pretty amazing stuff. It means that active duty or not, the call on my husband's life is beyond that of what the military can provide anyway. Make no mistake, however. My husband's a warrior. He's a Marine through and through. There's no place quite like home for anyone, and home to us is "wherever the military sends us," until the day God calls us home. You can't take the lust for adventure out of a man who was born for it. Give him a bridge to climb and chop off his feet before you set him on his mission. I guarantee you, he'll still find a way to climb it, albeit a few ~~or many~~ foul cries in agony ensue. God's will is carried out. That's the point, and it all brings me back to why I mentioned "the chief end" of my husband and I earlier in this post. Give us a task. We'll get it done, and we'll glorify God while doing it. Period. I find my life more fascinating to write about than live sometimes. Isn't that ironic?

You can read the story and many other of our adventures by checking out the right side of my blog here under "My Favorite Blog Entries." I probably need a separate tab at this point; there are so many of them. They're not in chronological order, either. Potential has been realized, goals have been met, and lives have been changed. Though I feel like a broken record sometimes when I write, as the suspense can be really dull and annoying to some, it is thrilling and seductive to others.

I'm not griping. I'm excited! I'm excited that we have come so far and that something will change. I'm one of those people who can't stand things staying the same for too long. 'Complacency' is a curse word and a threat to me. It always has been. I'm not going to be a fool about this, though. I expect more challenges. They'll keep coming. If it's not one money issue, it'll be another. If it's not one military issue, it'll be another. That's the way life goes.

About four years of this wilderness has made us into wiser, stronger, more persevering people than we thought we'd be, and we've done it together -- whether or not we wanted to [at any given moment]. Plus, this year will be our five-year anniversary, and you can bet all your eggs I want to be able to do something to celebrate. My idea of celebration is screaming to townspeople and out-of-state college students about how incredible God is through a megaphone from the roof of my house. I do live on a busy intersection, on university property. And if you know me even a little, you know I would do this. *smile*

Just an updated picture of myself

2012-01-16T16:08:00.002-07:00

Not the best quality, I know. It's a webcam shot. I just took it.

I'm still plowing away with my workouts and trying to read through the Bible.

My son is a motormouth these days, which can be adorable, but

I'm working to hone that in, teaching him about the difference between idle talk

and conversation that's helpful and commendable,

knowing that God will judge us for all our idle words.

Aside from that, I don't have much to say right now.

(Believe that?)

Well, let me clarify.

There's always something I could say,

but I am laying low...

and trying not to bore you.

I hope you're having a good week.

Close-minded Christians

2012-01-11T14:18:00.001-07:00

Christians are often ridiculed for being "close-minded." What the accusers do not see is how close-minded they are to the holiness of God. They mock what they do not have and do not understand. I don't have any desire whatsoever to go back to how I used to think. I believed that being open-minded was the key to really living. What did I get for it? A self-defeating circular argument based on emotional charges without a ground in reality. I was so open-minded, that what I had was a fortress unbarred from the stinging and crippling arrows of my enemies. There is no sin if you're completely open to it, is there? Yet we know there are consequences for this type of pure idiocy. You can't say it's wrong to rape if you are open to it. The moment you say something is immoral or corrupt, you're closing yourself. You can't put up a boundary and then say all is copacetic while retaining your "open-minded" ideology.

I've also been told that Christians live in some fantasy fairy tale land with some imaginary being holding them to some absurd standard and that if we fail to "do well enough" we are thrown into some fiery pit. What's worse? They contort God's righteousness. It's not US who are flawed! Oh, no! NEVER say that! It's GOD who made the mistake. Right?

Well, listen. In my "fairy-tale," you are shown grace to breathe every day. You are given rain to make your crops grow. You know, those crops you buy in the supermarket that some underpaid farmer worked his tail off to make for you? Yeah. God provided the sun, the soil, and the body for you to consume those wonderful things. My fairy tale is a cultivation of perfect love, perfect forgiveness, perfect justice, perfect righteousness, perfect commands, and perfect timing. My fairy tale only seems like a fairy tale to you because you do not KNOW this perfection I speak of.

Does it mean my problems vanish? Nope. What's perfect about HAVING problems is that while they are imperfect and tainted with unrighteousness is that God helps me through them, helps me learn how to love Him more, and helps me to love others. He even helps me prevent stupidity in the future -- that is to say, He gives me the option of repenting of my sin -- turning away from it. My fairy tale is turning me into a selfless and loving person, rather than selfish and hateful. My fairy tale is a genuine, mind, body, and spirit-transformation, and completely transcendent of ANYTHING I could ever imagine up on my own. God Himself wrote the story, beginning, middle, and end.

Fairy tales are created by men for their own purposes, to make themselves feel better about what they're doing: Self-merit. Fairy tales are a lot like religions. They give you what you don't deserve based on irrationality, while on the contrary, God is rational, logical, and wise. Rational thinking says "I screwed up -- I will reap the consequences of what I've done." Irrational thinking says "I screwed up and I'm going to find a way out of this somehow. I'll do things my way and I will find happiness at the expense of anyone I desire."

So really, who's living in a fairy tale?

The MilSpouse Quiz

2012-01-11T00:07:00.002-07:00

I have a ton of really deep things on my mind, but I don't feel like sharing any of it right now. Writing my thoughts won't benefit you at the moment because I am not done learning the lessons I am currently learning. That makes enough sense for me to move on. So, moving on.

I guess a bunch of other military spouses are doing this quiz, but I'm rather out of the loop lately with military spouse blogs. I'm not really doing this because everyone else is, but for those of you who wish I would post shorter blog posts (haha), you might be happy with this one.

The Milspouse Quiz

1. How did you and your spouse meet?

We were pen pals for two months on opposite sides of the country when he flew out from California to meet me in Connecticut. Racy and romantic.

2. How old were you when you two met?

We were both 21.

3. How long have you been together?

Four and a half years (not counting the two months of writing).

4. Where are you and your spouse originally from?

He is from Idaho. I am from Connecticut (about an hour outside of New York City).

5. How did you feel about him joining the military?

100% supportive.

6. Where did your spouse go to Basic Training?

Marine Corps Recruit Depot, San Diego

7. Has your spouse ever been deployed?

Yes.

8. Ever been to his promotion ceremony?

No.

9. How long have you been a military wife?

Four and a half years.

10. Did you marry him before or after he joined?

After.

11. How did your husband propose?

At a friend's house about 6 hours before we married.

12. Where did you get married?

In the middle of the woods in Connecticut.

13. How old were you two when you got married?

I was 21. He turned 22 on our wedding day.

14. Did he wear his uniform on his wedding day?

Yes.

15. Where are you and your spouse currently stationed?

Idaho -- not active duty right now, though.

16. Do you live on base?

Nope.

17. How long were you married when you had to go through your first separation?

7 days.

18. What is your favorite base so far?

I've only been to one (Camp Pendleton), and I miss it with all my heart.

19. Do you think your spouse looks good in his uniform?

No. I don't. (Come on.... really?) lol. A blind woman can tell a Marine in his blues is a sight to behold. : ) A wise woman once told me, "Never you mind these old eyes. I can see just fine! I have eyes in my fingers."

20. Do you think military life is more advanced than civilian life?

Yes. Military technology is more advanced by at least twenty years.

21. Do you like the benefits you receive as a military dependent?

Yes. They're practical. I'm one one to get my nails or hair done, and I don't go shopping often. There are plenty of other veteran rewards out there that are helpful, and worth looking into before we purchase anything at all. Every time you purchase from somewhere (if you're a military spouse), ask if they give military discounts. Sometimes you'll get the snot nose, but other times, you'll be pleased with a "yes." Be grateful, either way.

22. Do you have a lot of military wife friends?

No. A few.

23. What is the hardest part of the military life?

Hmmm. I'm going to go with.... getting blown up and the aftermath of that. Deployments are easy in comparison. And no, it's not easy for me to say that. If you know my story, you know why I say that. If you want to know my story, you've come to the right place. : )

24. Do you own military wife stuff?

It's funny you ask. I certainly do. I'm wearing some right now.

25. Do you support your spouse as a member of the military?

Do you think my blog would say what it says if the answer was "no?" Hardly. ; )

Funniest Conversation/Story I Heard All Day

2012-01-07T00:35:00.001-07:00

Mutual Friend: "So Ron Paul won the Idaho straw poll. Not surprised, though I would not vote for him... BUT what I am absolutely surprised about is that Mitt Romney took second place... I thought we Idahoans were smarter than that! Romney? really? I guess it is true that true conservatism is a dying thing in Idaho. Wake up people Romney is not a conservative and he CANNOT beat Obama! besides the fact that straw polls are a sick joke anyway..."

My Husband: "Have you not seen all the godless Californians driving around? We are being flooded by liberals"

Mutual Friend: "True point... I just wanna say to those dopes with the "blue girl red state" bumper sticker, Go back to your blue state. They miss you."

My Husband: "There is a funny story about me running across one of those people."

Mutual Friend: "Do tell."

My Husband: "WELL, I was trying to find a parking spot to go shopping and the lot was packed however I saw an open spot next to a little blue car. "Cool! I have a small car now. I can fit there" was what I thought.

Like this, but blue, and a Prius

As I turned to park there, I soon realized that the car was parked into 2 parking places ~~horizontally~~ diagonally parked. As I sat there for a few seconds I saw the "blue girl red state" sticker and then saw it was a powder blue PRIUS as well as having several peace symbols on it.

SO, being the God-fearing combat Vet Conservative American that I am, I didn't wan't to be rude to other people and keep driving around looking for spots, so I parked in what little room there was in the half space and went shopping.

When I came out of the store, there was some skinny snot girl who's daddy bought her everything she owns as well as a cop next to my car. I walk up calmly (trying to hide a smile) and as I unlock my door, she starts freaking out and screaming all kinds of unfriendly things at me, telling me what kind of a person I should be. The cop asks me to come over for a second, as a good American, I do.

He asks if I knew what I did was illegal parking.
I said "Yes."
He said I needed a really good excuse to get out of a ticket.
I looked at him and then back at both parking places and then back at him.
I said "Well officer, I figured since some godless liberal that spends all her daddy's money can abuse the most simple laws of our great land as her beloved false president has, that a disabled combat vet has more than enough right to make and enforce his own laws."

The officer looked at me for a second and then asked what service I was in. I told him. He said "Semper Fi, brother" and then wrote the girl a ticket."

True Story.

This happened about two weeks ago.

I hope you laughed as hard as I did.

Gun Powder and Lead :)

2011-12-31T13:27:00.003-07:00

Tons of people get excited about New Year's parties. I'm one of those people, except my husband doesn't feel like doing much this year. It's ok! We went shooting this morning instead.

Happy with his lollipop and his Daddy, Azarel was very content to be there.
He has been around guns for his entire life so far.

Nicholas's high point 45. I LOVE this pistol.

One of the reasons I love him -- he's a total goof.

Our friend Roger built his AR by himself!
Can you see the smoke?

Do you see these guns killing people? No?
Then I guess guns don't kill people after all! haha

Great action shot! I was thrilled.

Look closely! Sparks and smoke in this one!

Snuggly boy...

Sorry this is blurry. Manual focus was on. It's an AK.

He tolerates me. LOL!!

This is the smile we saw 95% of the time. :)

Collections

2011-12-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

Passing 2011 was like passing a dreaded collections plate: From a leadership perspective, never really knowing what would be brought to my family. It's all a matter of faith in the Lord to meet our needs. From a church attendant's perspective, never really wanting to have everyone stare at me like I'm a heathen if I don't have funds to put into it, often not sure who my money will bless. The person who receives the plate offers up prayers such as "Lord, you know our needs, thank you for this, and our needs are still present" or "Lord, this is abundantly above all that we could have asked for or imagined. Thank you!," therefore running the risk of forgetting God just a little. The person passing it passes judgment, passes pride, passes thanks, passes self-pity, or passes completely. What will the money go to? Is leadership trustworthy? Is this money actually a tithe? Would it be better spent on lunch for my children?

This year I was reminded often of...

‎"Two things I request of You
(deprive me not before I die):
Remove falsehood and lies far from me;
Give me neither poverty nor riches
-- Feed me with the food alloted to me;
Lest I be full and deny You, and say,
"Who is the LORD?"
Or lest I be poor and steal
And profane the name of my God."
-Proverbs 30:8-9 (NKJ)

It's easy to come over the curve of a roller coaster feeling momentary weightlessness while we embrace the sensation we have, the adrenaline if you will, forgetting that we are still buckled or strapped down into our seats, still in a well-maintained cart, on a well-maintained track. Some of us fear the fall, and yet we still have an amount of trust in the variables that depend on our ride, or else we wouldn't have gotten on in the first place. We often have our fun and forget the labor and structure that went into creating our joy.

I spoke last night with a friend about my year, and recalled so many feelings of helplessness, near hopelessness, confusion, anger, bitterness, resentment, impatience, profanity, outbursts that were inappropriate and untimely, and many other thoughts I had that gave birth to sin. I shouldn't be allowed to minister to people. I really shouldn't. I am not the greatest example. I don't have the greatest testimony of success if you look at my life from a worldly perspective. But what I learned this last year is more along the lines of the following:

See, I know the call God has on my life, and I know the call He has for my husband's life. Our son is going to be a wonder all in his own rite (by the grace of God) in due time, but you probably know if you've been reading this blog for any length of time. What I see in the last year isn't measured by a bigger house or a bigger savings account. Nothing of the sort. The last year was spent poured out to others every chance we could get. The Lord met our needs somehow, every time we had one. Every time He did, I crumbled in tearful thanksgiving. Every time I was in waiting, thinking there was something I was missing, or something I was not being obedient in, I had to force myself to thank God for putting me in a position to humble myself and pray and seek His face. Every single word written in Scripture directly reflects the heart of my God, and He is so beautiful. To give us the job He has given us, a job that we can do no matter what occupation we are in, is so praise-worthy. We are purposed, and we are driven, by Him, for Him, and through Him.

When we have prayed for a specific event to come to pass at a certain date, the Lord relented and gave us friends to hold us in love while our hopes were shattered over and over again.

When we prayed for more finances, the Lord provoked us to spend more wisely instead.

When we prayed for a better job, the Lord reminded us of the freedom there is in living with less for whatever season He desires. We have no competition with others because our economic status did not provoke jealousy in others.

When we prayed for Nicholas to be found fit for active duty again, the Lord deferred our hopes and made us realize that our calling is ultimately to glorify Him and to glory in Him: Not in anything of this world. We know what we're capable of, but capability is not always the key to performance. Idolatry of the military was an issue, and then as we saw some poor decisions made in the government, we realized as we were humbled again, that service is service. We know where we've been, and we know who we serve. Christ Jesus is sufficient for all our needs. Not the US Marine Corps (though it pains me to say this).

When we longed to be able to travel and meet other military families in their pain, somehow, the Lord has had them contact us before other people, and somehow, by the grace of God completely, we have been given the words to minister to their needs. Don't ask the extent of what we have done. We haven't done as much as we have wanted to. We can only do what we can with what we've got.

When I prayed for the Lord to open a door for my son to go to school, instead, He took the fear I had of homeschooling my son away. Now I'm left with a frustration because I want my son to learn as fast as I want to teach him. It's ironic.

Every time we prayed for the military to get their orders straight for Nicholas's medical evaluation and every single military-ordered plan fell to the wayside, instead of correcting it immediately like He could have, He taught Nicholas's boss about a Marine's work ethic despite a crappy job with crappy pay. Nicholas went to work on the days he had off to have his evaluation, and his bosses learned that veterans who are full of PTSD on paper can in fact make HUGE contributions to the work force; so much that you will miss them more than any other employee if they do leave. The regional manager gave Nicholas a 50 cent raise (totaling $7.75/hr, which is still less than minimum wage in many states) and hired on other PTSD veterans in the region because of Nicholas's strong example. God also used Nicholas's job as the catalyst for a 100-pound weight loss: 100 lbs of weight that was added to him due to a decrease in metabolism, accrued via VA-prescribed medication side-effects. Significant! His evaluation hasn't taken place yet, but the VA considers him a medical anomaly.

So what did the Lord do with us? He used us! While we had nothing left to give, no enthusiasm, nothing good to say to any civilian we came in contact with, and were so burdened down by our woes, the Lord used us to minister to military families.

This isn't something I could make up even if I tried to. It's not the way we wanted things. 2011 was a crappy year that started off with a Christian university trying to evict us from our home without trying to negotiate or speak with us about our first offense (we couldn't afford to pay all our bills when my husband was unemployed) without showing any Christian grace or understanding whatsoever. Different military organizations turned us down while we had needs because we didn't fit into their presupposed time-frame of "need." We got off of state aid for food even though according to some, we still were very much in need. According to many, we still are very much in need. (But please tell me how much of what the average American eats these days is what he or she really "needs?" We're a country of gluttony. Let's be real.) We wanted so badly to be able to hold ourselves up and not depend on a fallen corrupt government. So.. that's what we did. The Lord provided, honoring us for refusing to take hand-outs, all while we felt even His blessings to us through individuals were like handouts from Him. Does God owe us anything? No. I tremble as I write that we sit in the mercy seat every day.

We learned how to network with companies, (military and civilian) individuals on small and large scales via the phone, and have had to swallow our pride and extend ourselves and tell people over and over of our situation, each time thinking that it was absolutely a waste of our time. (What is really a waste of time, however, is refusing to bear witness and give testimony of what the Lord has brought you through.) We spent a good amount of time bringing awareness to issues such as marriages and divorce, helping veterans find the right people to talk to post-service, government spending, political vantage points from a Christian perspective, the effects of PTSD and TBI, Biblical counseling, domestic verbal and physical abuse, child-rearing, wise spending, and making wise choices.

We made friends with the Wounded Warrior Regiment, the American Legion, the Marine Corps League, The Wounded Warrior Project's Wounded Warrior Wives, Caregivers of Wounded Warriors, and many individuals who work hard behind the scenes for little or no recognition. I had the privilege of making a vlog series about my life, why Jesus is in the center of it, the effects the military has had on my Christian faith, and more, which has helped other military wives persevere. Both Nicholas and I have been on the radio to discuss our story. I had the chance to network with a blogging friend and was even flown to Texas for a womens' conference in August. Each of these opportunities have impacted and enriched our lives, and hopefully we have done the same for the people who invited and encouraged us in positive, God-honoring ways.

Our feet were ripped out from under us as we had to take a hard look at the 'church' these days (small c intentionally), and while raging with hurt, we still had to love people. We learned a great deal of theology, spent time speaking with different pastors in the area, challenged the faith of those who were too proud to receive correction from Scripture or from Christians who strive for transparency and accountability to edify and equip the Body of Christ, attended some classes about Christian Apologetics, and Nicholas specifically has had many opportunities to preach to his co-workers about serious topics without being fired (and they're not Christian). Hearts have been softened, eyes and ears have been opened, seeds have been planted, and the Lord has moved.

In the last year my husband's self-esteem has dramatically increased, he has gained an even bigger passion to minister to veterans and active duty military across the branches. The transformation has been incredible. We've had our rocky times this year as husband and wife. I won't glaze that over. But, my husband fears the Lord, and there is nothing more admirable in a man than that. When he shares his heart, I cry out to the Lord in thanks and adoration. When he teaches, I want to soak up everything he says. When he preaches, I dare not make a peep. I've learned what a leader is, and I've learned how to follow. Praise God.

I began my first journey of reading the Bible straight through after being convicted by some wonderful books by older, stronger, and wiser Christian women than myself, and took up exercise consistently; two disciplines I lacked my entire life up until this year (minus a short season years ago when I paid too much on a gym membership for what I could have done at home for free). We have been kicked out of churches for questioning leadership according to Scripture (and have approached issues in Biblical ways), we have tasted and seen the inner workings of the Holy Spirit, been asked to write newspaper articles, had small works published in books ("Faith Deployed...Again: More Daily Encouragement for Military Wives" by Jocelyn Green being one of them -- see pages 212 and 213), and have, without necessary mention, kept this blog going strong. I have asked for no money, and have been paid no money for what has been published in any website, blog, or book. It's not about the money for me, but rather, giving freely what we have been given because of Christ. It's been a year of intense and often agonizing growth, iron sharpening iron, and consistent and full reliance upon the Lord, because without His guidance and His commands to look to and obey and search out treasure in, we would be complacent and heretical, or stagnant and stale at the very least.

We spent the entire year learning what it means to be made nothing. We've been made a drink offering, a sacrifice, and a daily spectacle for believers and non-believers alike. Jesus was and is much the same. As it is written in Philippians 2:5-11 in the New King James Version,

5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

The chief end of man, as it is written in the Westminster Confession of Faith, is to bring glory to God and to enjoy Him, and that is exactly what I intend to do in 2012. Do I know what is to occur? No. But I trust God, and that's more than enough for me.

"And the LORD said to Moses, “Has the LORD’s arm been shortened?
Now you shall see whether what I say will happen to you or not.”
-Numbers 11:23 (NKJ)
I see You photography

A Sober, Simple Christmas

2011-12-25T00:27:00.003-07:00

This is what's on my mind, k? People all over the place are feasting and gloating about what they have. Now, I can't judge what state their hearts are in, but I can say that the only thing *I* really wanted for Christmas (that I never told anyone) was to be able to be able to help people who could not find the words to ask for help. We, Nicholas, Azarel, and I, are having the most quiet, most simple Christmas "celebration" we've had. Very simple foods, simple thanks, and great big prayers. And all we really want is to be with people who need encouragement.

You know what? Jesus wasn't actually born on Christmas, and... well, Santa is not real. Statements like these shouldn't be considered mean or hateful. Truth is a very loving thing to share. I rejoice in hearts that seek the righteousness of God more than gifts this Christmas, and I pity those who only have material gifts to look forward to, because quite frankly, the greatest gift there ever was and ever will be is salvation, and there is no gift that can even come CLOSE to how unfathomably amazing that is.

So all I really want is to be able to help people know Him, to rejoice over Him, and to make Him known. I am not depressed. Do not mistake this post for depression or even for some words with the intent of dampening your joy. I simply am at a place in my life where I cannot only think of myself in the mist of celebrations. I can't be that small-minded. I long for Christ's return, and I long for breakthroughs for those who need them. I long for healings, I long for provision, and I long for my family and friends to have hearts that endure all afflictions that the Lord may have planned for people with increasing faith and joy. I can't turn a blind eye to the pain that's taking place in so many lives. I hope you can't either.

When you wake up in the morning, before you run to open gifts like animals, please.... please lift up the meek, the simple, the lonely, the angry, the broken, the outcast, the down-trodden, the lame, the weak, the blind, the crippled, the diseased, and the lost. You might have something they're afraid to even hope for: faith and assurance of salvation in Christ.

Our little tree.
Most of the lights don't work now,
But the Christmas cards we will open up will shine plenty of light.

Notice the USMC cover that is our tree-topper.

I'll make this some "tiny" news.
We also got some mail from USMC HQ
Stating that March of 2012 will bring my husband
A new Periodic Physical Evaluation date
To determine whether or not Nicholas is
"fit for active duty."
Will it actually happen this time?
No idea.
I'm assuming this as another chapter in the great mystery that is our lives:
Full of suspense.
What should I call this chapter?
Ohhh, I don't know.
One step at a time.
Only this time...
I'm not getting all worked up about it.
After three failed appointment dates,
Two failed flights on the government's part,
And... well...
Who cares?
It's Christmas.
I prayed for mail.
I got it.
(Can I get more sober-minded than this?)

"Three of my favorite things: Prayer, Photography, and My Son."

We were playing with our cameras and I asked my son if he wanted to pray.
He said yes and immediately bowed his head and put his hands together.

I see You photography

This last bit is just interesting. I didn't write it, but rather, it was emailed to me as a chain letter.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.

It has two levels of meaning:

The surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church.

Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.

-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit

--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit

--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

I'm not Catholic, but I think the lyrics are more interesting,

Especially because this song sat near the top of my list of

"Christmas songs I hate."

(we've all got 'em)

Kinda changes things, doesn't it?

God is eternal.
(Deuteronomy 33:27; Jeremiah 10:10; Psalm 90:2)

God is infinite.
(1 Kings 8:22-27; Jeremiah 23:24; Psalm 102:25-27; Revelation 22:13)

God is self-sufficient and self-existent.
(Exodus 3:13-14; Psalm 50:10-12; Colossians 1:16)

God is omnipresent (present everywhere).
(Psalm 139:7-12)

God is omnipotent (all powerful).
(Genesis 18:14; Luke 18:27; Revelation 19:6)

God is omniscient (all knowing).
(Psalm 139:2-6; Isaiah 40:13-14)

God is unchanging or immutable.
(Psalm 102:25-27; Hebrews 1:10-12; 13:8)

God is sovereign.
(2 Samuel 7:22; Isaiah 46:9-11)

God is wise.
(Proverbs 3:19; Romans 16:26-27; 1 Timothy 1:17)

God is holy.
(Leviticus 19:2; 1 Peter 1:15)

God is righteous and just.
(Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 11:7; Psalm 119:137)

God is faithful.
(Deuteronomy 7:9; Psalm 89:1-8)

God is true and truth.
(Psalm 31:5; John 14:6; John 17:3; Titus 1:1-2)

God is good.
(Psalm 25:8; Psalm 34:8; Mark 10:18)

God is merciful.
(Deuteronomy 4:31; Psalm 103:8-17; Daniel 9:9; Hebrews 2:17)

God is gracious.
(Exodus 34:6; Psalm 103:8; 1 Peter 5:10)

God is love.
(John 3:16; Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:8)

God is spirit.
(John 4:24)

God is light.
(James 1:17; 1 John 1:5)

God is triune or trinity.
(Matthew 28:19; 2 Corinthians 13:14)

God is all of these

Whether or not you celebrate Christmas or go to church...

Or even believe in His existence. :)

Independent Dependents

2011-12-19T15:24:00.002-07:00

I think a ton of you will absolutely hate this blog post, but I'll say it all anyway. I was convicted by God while I wrote it, so it goes both ways. Take it with a grain of salt. My one request is this: If you start to read it, read the whole thing. Don't read parts of it and then assume I mean something that I may not. People do that with the Bible all the time and then they think God is someone He isn't.

Is there something wrong with a woman depending on her husband? In the military, we're referred to as "dependents." For insurance purposes, we're also called dependents. I don't know any wives who repel the idea of a tax break either, and so during tax season, they like to be dependents. But with this, why, I wonder, do so many women actually have a fear, a legitimate fear, of being dependent on their husbands for finances, for moral support, for correction, for instruction, and for rebukes as necessary? They think they're better off if they're in charge and just have the husband almost as an accessory. (Doesn't that sound disgusting? But it's true.) At least five young women in the last year or so who I know have confessed an animosity toward the idea of being "too dependent." What does that mean?

What are you missing in your marriages that leads you to believe that you are better off in charge or more 'independent'? Do your men not lead well enough? (If they don't, it's your job to tell them in a respectful way and work things out.) Do they not meet your needs? Do you know what your needs are? Does it break you if you don't always get what you want? Are you so sick of feeling like the underdog in the military that you believe getting a job will help your marriage (not just you)? I'm not referring to finances here. I'm referring to the void you have in your heart that leads you to believe that being 'dependent' is a bad thing.

Is it fear of losing your husband that keeps you from wanting to build a deep attachment and become "too dependent?" Or do you not know that everyone will die, and if you walk with the Lord you will grieve but grief will not become you? (No, this is not easy for me to say. It's just Scriptural. The Body of Christ is commanded to come around you and hold you up if/when you become a true widow.) Skirting around the problem doesn't make the problem go away.

Maybe you've been wronged by men in the past and so you're guarded. Well that's fair, except who are you to judge another man's character by the men in the past? Are they all the same? Would you like to automatically be stereotyped into the screwed up women he encountered in the past? Oh. Probably not, huh. So don't do that. Work it out. If you have doubts, discuss them. If he catches you in behavior that gives evidence to a lack of trust, give him your ear and listen up good. You're his wife. He needs to believe you really want to be.

When you married, you became one flesh before God. That's how marriage works. If you don't like the idea of working as a team no matter what, why did you get married? Your husband isn't independent of you. Not at all. Rather, all that he does, he does because of his love for you, because it's his job to. Am I being too much of an idealist right now? I don't have a perfect marriage, but I'll be completely honest and blunt when I say that a husband's job is to provide for his household, and if he does not, he is worse than an infidel. See 1 Timothy 5:8.

Do your husbands know that you don't want to be ~~quite so~~ dependent on them? Have you discussed this with him? Do you know their thoughts on the matter? Do their thoughts matter to you? What happens if your husband is hurt at the core of his being because when you say "I'd like to be more independent," it sounds to him more like "I don't want to be a part of you as much as you thought I did. I'd rather do things my way, on my own?" Do you then wave your independent flag high and proud when he isn't looking? I wonder how it would sound to you if things were reversed and he decided he wanted to withdraw his love from you just a little so he could give more attention to other things, other people, or just himself. Would it make him a better husband for him to withdraw his love from you? I don't think so.

Is your husband more of a toy or a dog to you than a brave warrior or respectable companion? Do you believe in your heart of hearts that your husband is a good leader and that he can help you fix your problems?

Or is there something missing?

You know... a husband is not generally encouraged to be more loving or more sentimental/sensual when his wife says she wants more independence from him or more time away from him. That's just not very comforting. You can disagree with me all you want, but it's rather strange to think that a husband who loves his wife does not wish to be her everything, her "main man," her pleasure, her solace, her comfort, and her good cheer. It's just not that far-fetched at all.

Many women fear being a burden. I share that fear. But I have learned over the years to voice my fears to my husband rather than just act on them with a presupposition that what I'm doing is helpful to everyone. It's never helpful to act on a fear of failure in a marriage without communicating that fear first. Of course, the very nature of fear (of any kind) is impulse and panic, and I don't know too many women who don't believe emotion is a dictating factor in their lives for decision-making.

But think on this. I just let a big, nasty cat out of a small bag. I might get a bunch of independent-woman she-hulk hate mails for this. I'm going against the grain of society right now. I care however, about where the men are coming from. I know it's not popular for women to look up to their husbands these days, but, I do. I don't believe that we'll see strong leadership from husbands if we don't step down and let them lead. What a concept - empowering men to be men by being a respectful woman.

Do I want independence from my husband? What kind of independence? What do I believe is "too much" or "too little"? Let me define my terms for you. I'm not suggesting anything extreme. Of course, it may sound that way to you if you're of the persuasion that independence from men is the key to happiness until it doesn't make you happy... as if the world and everyone who "loves you" can be manipulated like puppets by your emotions and your emotional rebounds.

Watch it, Nicole!! Thin ice!

I don't want independence from my husband. We're married. I want to share everything with him! It doesn't mean I don't have my needs met. In the Bible we are commanded to esteem others higher than ourselves.

1 Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2 fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:1-4)

I believe too much independence from a spouse is the moment someone thinks "This is mine and I won't share." It's selfishness. It's for single-living, except that even as singles, we should work unto the Lord and lay down conceit, our high opinions, our pride, and our self-righteousness (Proverbs 8:13; 16:3, Colossians 3:17,23, Romans 3:9-20; 12). It starts with a thought, becomes an attitude, and then the attitude is encouraged, it is acted on, and then it gives birth to sin (Psalm 51:5, James 1:15). It could be anything.

I believe everything I've been given I have been given to share with my beloved. You're kidding. No, I'm not kidding at all. And it's not just a personality trait, either. I really do believe that wives are on this earth to be helpful to their husbands. Not the other way around. And believing this does not make me a nasty, stuffy, condescending, belittling, wrongfully-judgmental, hyped up, out-dated wife who just cooks and cleans all day. I feel your fire, all you independent women!! Our husbands are helpful when they are living as God commanded them to live. And we are most helpful when we are not asserting our differences so that we can work against God's design for marriage. Got a separate bank account? Close yours. Join together. You're married. Is he terrible with money? Get a financial adviser or marriage counseling. Don't keep making excuses for your poor choices. (If you needed a New Year's Resolution, maybe you just got one.)

As an example, when I get a gift for Christmas, whether it's money or anything else, I desire to share it with my husband and our son. I do not desire to hoard things to myself and spend on things that are only for me. I put gas in the car, food in the fridge, and discuss what I buy with my husband. Why? Because I am privileged enough to have a husband!

Well good for you. My husband is a dirt bag. It was a mistake marrying him. I'm glad things are so peachy for you, you $&!*@&$*@%#$!. If your husband is a dirt bag and you get angry enough over this post to have colorful words like that to say to me, your issue is not with me at all. Your issue is with yourself and your husband. You need to work it out. If you're convicted by this, please know that I'm not coming out on my blog with Scriptural advice from a marriage without its own kinks. I turned to the advice I'm sharing because I didn't know it! I had to learn it the hard way. I myself have had many moments where I have needed attitude adjustments, in which I did not want to support my husband or help him at all. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, the way I wanted to do it, and if someone didn't like it, curse 'em! Well, that attitude doesn't help anyone. All it got me was bitter, contemptuous, angry, and even more problems. My suggestion: Take your attitude to Jesus, confess it, repent of it, and then humble yourself before the Lord, ask for help, read what the Bible has to say about your attitude and behavior (especially in marriage), and then get yourself some accountability through someone older and wiser in the truth who can encourage you. But don't leave your husband out of it. Let him know you realize you messed up and give him the chance to join in on the changes you're making. If he wants no part in it, well... you screwed up. Give him time and be consistent with the changes you are trying to make. Even if he is a dirt bag, you are required by God to do what is right. Vengeance belongs to the Lord, and you are not Him.

Our husbands are not dogs that need to be trained. Yeah, maybe they do have some lessons to learn, but they can learn them from the other men of God that they're around. If they're not around any, find some. Pray for some. Pray for some godly women for yourself to be around.

Our husbands are not toys that need fixing or upgrades. They're not last year's models. They're our husbands. They're our loves. They're our go-to men, and if we think differently, we cannot claim to be in love with them, and certainly cannot claim to respect them. Yet this is not a reason to divorce. This is a reason to solve problems and right wrongs.

Women want rights, right? So here are some that are often overlooked:
You have the right to help your husband be the man he ought to be before the Lord and before men on earth.
You have the right to compliment him, make him feel like he is the most special man on the planet, and honor him when he is in the dumps.
You have the right to love him the way you wish to be loved, except that you must remember that you wish to be loved the way you receive love, and he might receive love differently. He's wired and programmed differently than you are.
You have the right to spend your entire life figuring out how to respect him.
You have the right to be patient as he screws up, and you have the right to forgive him.
You have the right to be honest, and you have the right to have a soft heart.

You have many rights. You do not have the right to claim a marriage while you seek separation from the man you're married to. That's pure foolishness. Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? I'm a wife. You're reading my blog. You gave me the right to offer Biblical suggestions and remind you of a couple of your "wife rights" by continuing to read this. You're free to leave now. You have that right, too. You enjoy when people tell you of rights that give into the desires of your flesh, but what about the rights you have before the Lord? What happens when you do not exercise those rights?

Too much independence from a husband? What is that? One example of too much independence is when a husband says "Use my money, go have fun, honey, and then come home to me," and while he's anticipating his wife coming home to adore him and feel relaxed and rejuvenated and pumped up to be the best wife she can be in thanks for her husband letting her go do what she wants, what's actually happened is that she had the time of her life while she was away, found out she doesn't need her husband as much, and now desires more time away from him. Oh, I bet he loves that! I bet he really wants her to go off again so she can come back and want to spend even less time with him. This is what I keep seeing. I'm not saying all wives are like this or conjuring up some ridiculous statistic. I'm just speaking to this common situation.

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. This happens, and then some of you wonder why your husbands seem distant, or your husband ends up chasing after your happiness and then one day realizes "Wow, my wife seems to be her happiest after she spends time away from me. What's up with that? I thought my going away to work was enough distance." Some husbands just never get the clue that their wives have found a way to manipulate them and get what they want, even though what they want is contrary to what God wants. Some men become wet noodles and don't even know or care about it. All in the name of pleasing their wives. Do you care so much about respecting your husband that you'll become a wet noodle in the name of love for him, if it means your spouse gets what he wants? (See how twisted this sounds when it's reversed? So why do you justify it?)

Men, lead your women toward God. That's your job. It's not your only job, but it is your job, so do it. Women, submit to your husbands and help them. You don't need to be doormats. You need to HELP THEM. If they did not desire suitable companions and if God did not recognize a man's need to have companionship, God would not have made you. You're important. If you were not made for that job, your husband would not have asked for your hand in marriage. There's no "i" in team.

Truth is, you'll never be fully independent. Unless you are one of those women who can fend for herself in the middle of a large-animal-dwelling mountain with just the clothes on her back and a hatchet, you're not all you claim to be. And even then, you're dependent on God grace: Air, sky, earth, food, etc.

Look, I know I said a lot here. I wasn't kidding when I said that I knew some people would absolutely hate this blog post. But if I don't stand in the gap for men who really do want to be honorable but have wives who have given into society's idea of what it means to be a wife, what do the verses in the Bible about marriage mean? Are those verses somehow made ineffective because of culture even though we believe the God of the Bible hasn't changed? I think some women have fallen into this "seek independence" pattern without even realizing it, and will inevitably be really crushed when they examine their hearts against Scripture. There is so much grace for that, but they need to seek correction and take heed to it when it comes... even if it's hard to hear and apply.

But on the contrary, there are so many feminism-fueled women who use men as pawns to get things these days, and I will not apologize for saying that their attitude is absolutely repulsive. There's so much "she-power" stuff going on these days that men are feeling like leftovers and can't say anything about it because the women will just say "You're sexist!" It's awful! Men aren't sexist for feeling like they don't matter, and they're not sexist for voicing their concerns and needs. We spend so much time listening to women and their needs that we are starting to see masculinity take a decline because men, even in the legal system, aren't heard as much. Is this really what equality means to the feminist movement? It's not equal.

I'm not trying to push anyone into a ditch or slap an iron rod on anyone's wrist. I am firm in what I say because it needs to be firmly stated. I am telling you that this whole "Independent Dependent" philosophy is absurd. It's a logical fallacy.

The reason I did not go into details about my experiences or upbringing in this post is because they're as screwed up as what I see going on in the world. Like I said, I learned the hard way. I was a flaming feminist, very gung-ho about independence from everyone, and very liberal. My views have changed without anyone shoving anything down my throat or preaching to me day in and day out. I sought the Lord through Scripture, and without skipping over verses I didn't like reading, and He showed me how whacked I was. I turned to Him, asked for help, and despite how much I gritted my teeth, I learned.

Do you really need to be independent from your husband in order to be a good wife? How important is independence in your marriage to you?

Three

2011-12-18T14:10:00.002-07:00

On Friday, my son turned three. On Saturday, we had a small party for him with a few of his friends, balloons, a bunch of bounce-house balls. I had the balls stored away in his closet since he was 1 and took them out, thinking maybe they'd have fun throwing them at each other. Oh boy, I was right! I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but I took video instead. Just need to figure out how to convert it all to two dvds and a video for the web. We'll see how long it takes me to get that done!

He received some wonderful gifts from Nicholas's parents: A lightning McQueen car, a homemade Batman bathrobe, a Thomas the train pillowcase, Moon Pies, and a whole camping set with a father and a son, a moose and a bear, mini camping gear and a big red plane from Cabela's. He got cards and money from my Nanny and Nicholas's grandparents (from which he bought a vintage model plane and a US vs Germany battle set, and party supplies), a Coldstone gift card from my sister-in-law, a really cool light-up helicopter from his little friend Daniel (with one of the funniest packaging boxes I've ever seen - NOT made in the USA), and from our dear friends Brent, Becca, Henry, and Jack, homemade cookies, a little knit, stuffed penguin, and a homemade scrap-booking folder just for his 3rd year of life. I have really creative friends! My mom sent him 5 e-cards (haha) and an Amazon gift card, so he ordered a tube of airplanes and helicopters, an airplane book, and a helicopter and airplane dvd. (Yes, he's in that phase!)

I made him his favorite cake (angel food) with cool whip and big slices of pineapple, he had coconut pineapple juice, and then I messed around with him by sticking those magic candles that relight on top. Well hey! How else was I going to serve the cake, make sure he was okay, get everyone situated AND take pictures? Lots to think about!

One of his friends ended up throwing up, some people had to leave early, but it was okay after Azarel had a mini meltdown. He was SO looking forward to his party. It was alright though. We were more than a little blessed. :)

Those who follow what I write know where my heart is, how he progressing, and how much of a Mama's boy he is, so I'm not writing a "Dear Azarel" on here. In short, in the last year he has learned letters, colors, and numbers, learned to communicate effectively, dresses himself, has better manners than some adults I know, confessed faith in the Lord, and other stuff. I don't know. He's a good kid. He's got strict parents. Praise God for both. :)

Thank you to all of you who have not asked why we are not pregnant again yet! The lack of pressure to procreate is greatly appreciated. :)

Listing without Listlessness

2011-12-17T01:48:00.000-07:00

I see You photography

An honest man.

Defending the defenseless.

Crying out for those without voices; those whose little bodies are in dumpsters and bio-hazard bins.

A polite and quiet child.

Smooth dark hair.

Looking up to the few men I know who are worth looking up to.

Imitating godly women.

Smooth dark chocolate.

Crisp, cold wintry mountains.

God. Every single thing about Him.

The counsel of a godly friend.

Poetry.

Melodious sonnets that drip with honey.

Pouring out my heart to the Lord and knowing without a doubt that while I'm in pain,

He absolutely loves me.

Thunder storms.

Learning from people who know so much more than I.

Honesty.

A contrite wife.

Photography that provokes surrender.

Befriending outcasts.

Justice.

Women who can talk without gossiping.

The equivocating from friends that leads me to search the Bible.

Raw passion and reckless abandon -

the kind that only the language of people before Babel would have had words for.

Bloodthirsty battles in which saints fall on their knees and repent in humility

and are lifted higher than eagles in honor of their bravery and courage.

Faith in Christ untainted by religion.

Leather.

The sardonic grin of a man who knows his history.

Flirtation without end in sight.

Forgetting what I've forgotten and remembering that it's okay.

Conversation that starts, finds its body, and ends with Scripture -
all while neither person can remember specific verse addresses.

Perseverance of the saints.

Animals.

Jumping for joy and crying in agony.

Transparency at the cost of everything I have.

Crawling to safety and the relief of knowing its there at all.

Climaxes.

The kind of friendships that tickle and tantalize each of your senses all for the sake of growth.

Strong arms. Stronger hearts.

The fig tree that blooms out of season.

A word fitly spoken.

A-ha moments.

Screaming at the top of my lungs.

Apologetics.

Redemption.

Blood transfusions - eternal blood, that is.

Military.

Fasting.

Impressing people.

Approaching strangers in public just to hug them. (Yes, I have done it.)

The synoptic and a-synoptic gospels.

Depth that is too deep for me to grasp.

Falling to my knees in intercession for as long as it takes.

Refusing to look at a watch, insistent that if it's not looked it, it will not matter.

Challenges.

Easy moments which become instantly harder when I am called to give of myself when I'd rather just take.
His breath on my skin.

Soteriology.

Singing.

Belly laughs.

Empathy.

Wisdom.

Finding the mundane fascinating.

Far-off lands.

Lifting weights until I can feel my muscles rip,

wishing it were so easy to get my problems to rip in half.

Retaliation.

God's vengeance.

Thinking out of the box.

Gestation.

Grieving when necessary and not a moment more.

Singing and praying in the Spirit.

The feast at the table I have never seen.

Watching people.

Coming up for air.

Having deep, meaningful conversations with people who don't open up to other people,

knowing the key to a person's heart is Christ: nothing more, nothing less.

My brethren.

Ministering to the needs of everyone I am able to.

Focus.

Restraint.

Self-control.

Treasures.

Becoming one flesh.

Teaching.

Painting pictures with words.

Giving.

Embracing.

Celebrations.

Discipleship.

Courting.

Desperation for the living God.

Writing about things that I love.

5 Character qualities that I require of my husband:

1) Confidence in making wise Biblical choices/proper discernment

2) Faithfulness in Christ

3) A servant heart/Humility

4) Physical strength/Protection

5) Vision/Knowledge (Spiritual & economical)

Go ahead and share yours. :)

Differences between Islam and Christianity / Scripture Interpretation

2011-12-14T22:16:00.001-07:00

I got into a discussion today with friends about the topic of inerrancy of Scripture and my belief that if there is more than one meaning of Scripture, there is no meaning at all. It stemmed from a really telling night I had last night; an experience that reminded me of some differences between Muslims and Christians. (I do have an interest in learning about Islam.)

I saw some things, and I have to be careful of how I say what I saw so that people don't get the wrong idea.

I went into some chat rooms for Muslims in Paltalk (which is chat rooms with voice and people can both speak and type - and show video if they choose), and some rooms for Christians.

The Muslim rooms had 200+ people and all were cordial, respectful, and in full agreement with one another.

The Christian rooms had 1/10th the amount of people and all were disputing over stupid things. Every single person. I struggled to find out if we could not just agree on the truth of the Cross rather than Calvinism/Arminianism. It was sickening.

I went into a second Muslim room then.... and this one was in Arabic AND English, teaching the Haddith and teaching people about how lives are expendable and every single person should seek out a way to die for Allah because it's the highest honor for a Muslim. Death is just a little pain. So what. The speaker spoke of how Islam is trying to spread Sharia Law to the US because everything works better when it's governed by people who are working for Allah, rather than another.

It struck me because Muslim people I come in contact with tell me "oh no... they're not trying to do anything like that. Islam is all about peace. No need to talk about anyone dying. We're peaceful." And plenty of "Christians" I know avoid talking about Islam because they aren't strong in their faith enough to know the differences and would rather just live peacefully -- which according to them means avoiding issues and somehow they'll go away. "Sharia law," they say... "Oh, don't be ridiculous."

I went into the Muslim rooms incognito because I didn't want someone to go "Oh, there's a Christian in here" and speak differently. I didn't say a word. I just wanted to hear what they considered worthy of teaching one another... and I wanted to learn.

I said that I wanted to be careful of how I said what I just said because I don't want people to get the idea that I am pointing a finger at Jesus. Rather, I am wanting to call Christians together to quit being petty and get over themselves and actually be a BODY, rather than a bunch of different body parts that try to reach the world separately. You can't walk without feet, and you can't feed someone without hands and arms, and you can't really hear the word of the Lord without ears. Since most Christians I talk to don't know which part of the Body of Christ they are.... I suggest that people figure out what they CAN do that honors God, and DO IT. Christians in America are complacent while Muslims around the world are NOT. This is not okay. Having a Savior who is peaceful doesn't mean you don't study the Word. The Word of God is the Sword spoken of in Ephesians 6. Why aren't more believers using the Word to fight the lies of the world? People can make war without shooting guns by using the armor of God. But oh no no.... we should just think happy thoughts and pray! We should just hug the people who claim in the name of Allah that Christians and Jews are their enemies.

There are actually at least 109 verses in the Qur'an about imposing violence on unbelievers. And before anyone jumps down my throat, I do have a Muslim female friend who tells me that the following verses are the most quoted and often taken out of context by unbelievers, but she has not once denied that the Qur'an is a source for imposed violence on those who do not believe. We talk frequently about the differences between Allah of the Qur'an and the God of the Bible, and our discussions have not yet led either of us toward hatred for one another... at least, not from my perspective. I can't speak for how she feels toward me in her heart, but I can tell you I still have love for her and desire for her to come to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus. Anyway...

Qur'an (5:51) - "O you who believe! do not take the Jews and the Christians for friends; they are friends of each other; and whoever amongst you takes them for a friend, then surely he is one of them; surely Allah does not guide the unjust people." I would like to draw into question, if this verse is taken out of context, just what is the proper context of this? Can someone please tell me?

Qur'an (5:80) - "You will see many of them befriending those who disbelieve; certainly evil is that which their souls have sent before for them, that Allah became displeased with them and in chastisement shall they abide." And... the proper context of this is.....?? The context of verses about death toward unbelievers in the Old Testament in the Bible is that God was preserving the lineage that Christ Jesus would enter the world through. But the Qur'an doesn't have that context to fall on. Violence toward unbelievers in the Old Testament is covered by the new covenant in Christ, and that is exactly why we are commanded to love even our enemies, remaining peaceful as possible, turning the other cheek as is fitting in the Lord, yet use self-defense when attacked as is fitting in the Lord. Christians do not kill people for refusing to "convert." Conversion, as Christians believe, is entirely of the Lord. We don't impose our beliefs on someone and threaten them if they refuse to receive Christ. Ephesians 2:8-9 comes to mind. You can't really make someone have faith that Jesus rose from the dead after being crucified for the remission of our sins. This is a major, major difference between what Allah teaches and what God teaches. So who's right? Is truth really relative? Can people really claim relativism when it comes to violence and call it moral? (There are so many questions that come into play here.)

It was also suggested to me by my friend that I ought not to learn about Islam through a chat room speaker, but if I really want to know about the religion, I should go directly to the source. Well, I agree with that, except that when a person knows their religion and quotes from their 'holy' book in its proper context, it ought to be at least a good start. Otherwise, does everyone who wants to know about Christianity need to talk directly to a pastor with each question, or can they not speak to someone who has studied for years, knows the historical-grammatical context of the verses they speak about, and has a dedicated prayer life of sanctification toward the Lord? What if they are not saved and therefore do not yet have the Holy Spirit guiding them into the truth in Scripture? Then what? Then even the pastor could be said to be "not enough." Where do we draw the line? What qualifies an individual to speak authoritatively about a subject they are passionate and knowledgeable about?

Well, Scripture tells us the answer to that. Check out 1 and 2 Timothy in the Bible, as Paul writes to Timothy about how even though he is young and people believe him to be ignorant because of his youth, he is still qualified by God because he is of the elect, ordained for that very purpose. Paul basically outlines the fundamentals of Christian leadership that Timothy needs to know. There are some young preachers, young evangelists, young teachers and leaders of the Christian faith, etc, who have been told that they don't know enough to teach other people because of their age, and yet God is with them. I know this because I am one of them. People are qualified or disqualified not because of status, age, or background. They are as they are because of what task God calls them to. If a Muslim is been given the ability to teach people about Islam through a chat room, and I can learn from that, why not learn from it? Yes, face to face is ideal, but even then, there's no telling how explicitly a Muslim is going to tell me the ins and outs of Islam. Why? I am an infidel to them. I'm an unbeliever. They're going to do taqiyya. By the Qur'an, they are obligated to do so as necessary to protect themselves (because as a devout Christian, I could certainly be considered a threat to Islam). So.. hey! A chat room sounds safer in a way, doesn't it? I save gas money, and I am doing something that a lot of other Christians refuse to do.

In my area, there are no mosques. There are somewhat undercover Muslims in the Boise area, and there is a community of them, but they don't proclaim themselves too mightily because there is a dense US military population in Boise, too. The veterans who have fought against Muslim extremists are not so open to seeing Muslims, and the veterans are in the majority. There is the internet, which is littered with information about every religion, and there are places to talk to people on the internet about every religion. There are now chat rooms where you can discuss any religion with someone who does know what they're talking about. And then it's up to you to test what you hear against the text the person spoke about. A great point to make is that you don't need the Holy Spirit to decipher what the Qur'an is saying, because the Holy Spirit isn't in the Qur'an at all. The Holy Spirit is sent to help those who have faith in Jesus as the Son of the living God. This is not rocket science.

Regardless of this discrepancy, there is absolutely no way that I will ever agree to the idea that Allah and God the Father are one and the same. Absolutely not. And there is no "agree to disagree" about it. Otherwise, Jews and Christians would not be enemies of Allah and his followers. Again.. this is not rocket science. The Spirit bears witness to the Spirit. Truth knows truth. (You'll see more about why I believe this as you keep reading.)

What bothers me most is how many people I know who live their lives as if Christ is just an accessory, while Muslims don't fight for separation of church and state, and their religion and devotion to Allah is EVERYTHING TO THEM. They want it all meshed together because amen... in the name of Allah, it is good... and when Allah is in charge, the Qur'an dictates...and oh yea, that's gonna be so great.

Yea... I'm pretty disgusted right now. You better believe I'm not pointing the fingers at those Christians who give everything they have to really serving the Lord and making Him known by loving others, knowing we are ALL sinners and ALL are deserving of hell without salvation by faith alone in Christ alone. I'm irritated at the Christians who can't get beyond their stupid petty "my church is better than yours" or "my doctrine has nothing to do with Christ crucified and receiving Him, but I know it's the most important" crap. Their narrow-mindedness is crippling those Christians who need discipleship.

It needs to END. Pray for the brethren!! PRAY FOR THEM!!! Love them! Build them up! Encourage them to seek the Lord! Stop it with the petty "I can't judge you and say you need to study more because it's not politically correct and I might offend you and make you feel like you don't know enough about the Lord" junk. Do what the Word says to do! Obey the Word, and be ready in and out of season to give a defense and a reason for the hope that is in you with meekness and fear. The Lord sees what you're doing and not doing. And yes, it matters.

Interestingly enough, when I said this to my friends, a great majority of them agreed with me, and they were not all Christians. One person told me I was extremely judgmental and did not believe that there was one truth in Scripture, so didn't know how I could believe that my truth was really the truth (yet believed fully that the voice she thought was the Lord's that she heard as a teen was really the Lord's -- mind you, God is not into relative truth. If that was the case, Jesus would not have said "I am the way, the truth, an the life. No one comes to the Father but by Me" and:

"6 I marvel that you are turning away so soon from Him who called you in the grace of Christ, to a different gospel, 7 which is not another; but there are some who trouble you and want to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed. 9 As we have said before, so now I say again, if anyone preaches any other gospel to you than what you have received, let him be accursed.
10 For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ." (Galatians 1:6-10

Plenty of people I know refuse to discuss the Bible because of their confusion over "what is true?" Why, specifically, can there not be more than one meaning for Scripture? Why can't there be more than one path to God?

Simply put, if Scripture has more than one meaning, how can anyone ever use hermeneutics to understand what is being said, and how then can a single-minded and unchanging Holy Spirit bear witness to the truth and reveal all truth according to 1 Corinthians 2? If there is more than one "interpretation" or truth to any of God's words, then how can any of the words of Scripture be taken seriously at all? If Scripture does indeed interpret Scripture, and it must because God cannot contradict Himself or lie (Titus 1:2), then it is only logical that because of the mind of Christ, Scripture can only have one meaning, and that is a true meaning of singularity and inerrancy. God cannot be anyone but Himself, and to attribute meaning to Scripture that is not in agreement with the very nature/character of God would then be to rid the Bible of its truth and make it just another book meant for relative pragmatism but certainly never meta-narrative truth. There is one truth, or else, by the laws of logic, it could not be true.

The following videos may be of help to you, as well.

This is about hermeneutics.

You can find more about each of these topics by clicking on the YouTube links at the bottom right of each video. I hope this post encourages deeper study of your beliefs and challenges your faith as well.

Tuesday (Not sure what else to call this)

2011-12-13T18:02:00.004-07:00

I see You photography

*This morning I caught myself thinking about how it once took a deployment for me to see the true gift of a covenant, but years later, my heart still skips a beat when he comes home from work. It doesn't seem to matter how long it's been since I saw him last. The good Lord knows we'd give almost anything to be part of the active duty community again, but in the mean time, we strive to uphold the same values and discipline as those who are active uphold. A status change ought not to wash away character of a person. We love and serve others no less fiercely.

*Nicholas was led by God to preach at work today (not the first time it's happened). I mean legit preaching to the workers of UPS. (One of their drivers committed suicide.) What did he preach about? Hope in Christ, even in death. He left a place for people to drop questions if they had any, and as he left from work, he saw four people leaving questions for him. It was about 12 people total who heard him, at least two of whom were atheists. They were crying by the end of what Nicholas said. Glory to God, when He opens a door, don't you dare close it. Walk through it and do exactly what you're called to do, no matter how scary it is. God will be with you and hold you up. He will give you the words to say.

*There is one book that Azarel actually gets upset over if I don't read it to him. Yes, it's the Bible. He's doesn't reach for the one with the pictures. He gravitates toward my Bible. My New King James. No pictures. He's not even interested in only hearing what Jesus said. This morning he wanted me to read him what I had been reading, which happened to be Leviticus. I read a paragraph and he wanted more. So... we read for about 30 minutes. And then he wanted more. This is the same child who will look at me at about 1pm and said "Mama, it's sleepy time. I need a nap," who brings his dishes to the sink and always uses manners. It's amazing that I have so much anxiety over teaching him when he's already learned so much -- yet I still have it. Tomorrow we're touring a private Lutheran school around the corner from us. They don't have scholarship money for pre-k classes, so it will probably be a waste of our time to go there, but, we'll check it out just the same. *sigh* The admissions lady I spoke to said it costs about as much as day care costs. I didn't tell her that we can't afford day care. What am I going to do? I'm going to pray and take things one step at a time.

*My favorite Bible verse from Leviticus so far is (I read this today):

‎"And Moses said to Aaron, 'This is what the Lord spoke to me, saying: 'By those who come near Me I must be regarded as holy: And before all the people I must be glorified.' ' So Aaron held his peace." -Leviticus 10:3

*I had a chance to explain "don't judge, lest you be judged" to an atheist today, who claimed that rejecting a motto such as "if it makes you happy, it's moral," was judgmental, on the basis that all judgments are wrong, because of Matthew 7:1-2 (the don't judge lest you be judged line). This person also said "god never said its ur right to judge my philosophy or morals." I'm going to take a moment to write how I responded to this person.

As context reveals, Matthew 7:1-2 does not prohibit all types of judging. (see v. 16) There is a righteous kind of judgment we are supposed to exercise with careful discernment (John 7:24). Censorious, hypocritical, self-righteous, or other kinds of unfair judgments are forbidden, but in order to fulfill the commandments that follow, it is necessary to discern dogs from swine (v. 6) from one's own brethren (vv. 3-5). Let's not throw out verses without using them in their proper context.
Regarding "god never said its ur right to judge my philosophy or morals...." let's look at what Colossians 2:8-9 says.
"Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the traditions of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ. For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power."
"Philosophy" (literally 'love of wisdom') appears only here in the New Testament. The word referred to more than merely the academic discipline, but described any theory about God, the world, or the meaning of life. Those embracing the Colossian heresy used it to describe the supposed higher knowledge they claimed to have attained. Paul, however, equated the false teachers' philosophy with "empty deceit"; that is, with worthless deception. Far from being advanced, profound knowledge, the false teachers' beliefs were simplistic and immature like all the rest of the speculations, ideologies, philosophies, and psychologies the fallen satanic and human system invents.
I will also note, that 2 Peter 1:20-21 and 2 Timothy 3:16-17 emphasize that yes, if it's in the Bible, it's inspired by God and TO BE USED for correction, instruction, reproof, and discipline, for the equipping of every man of God for every good work. Yes, in light of even Matthew 7:1-2, Colossiand 2:89, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, etc, God did say we can judge philosophy and morals according to His standards, and His words. Please do not put false words in God's mouth, because God cannot be mocked (Galatians 6:7), and He cannot lie (Titus 1:2).

*Other thoughts I had today: The best thing about being a Christian for years is learning the depth, breadth, height, and width of everything about God. I am learning how NOT to believe at face value everything I am taught, everything I read, and everything I hear. I am learning how to love the Lord with more than just my heart.

Rather, I purpose in my mind and in my heart to really think things through as I weigh everything against Scripture, praying fervently for the Lord to take me deeper in understanding and knowledge no matter how confusing or offensive it may be, for I know that the greatest offense to my God is not my confusion, but rather, it is my reluctance to repent of my rejection of truths that are plainly explained in the Word, all while giving him lip service and singing hymns. It certainly is by the grace of God that I have faith alone in Christ alone unto salvation, but it is faith plus reason that keeps me going.

It's a widely accepted slight against Christians that they "just believe" but can't actually back up anything they believe in. And to be fair, I see that many professing "believers" really don't know why they believe what they believe, or if their salvation is really real. I won't go so far as to say that because of wherever they are in their journies with the Lord that they are or are not really saved, however, it is foolishness to grow complacent as they don't give everything they have to finding out the answers to their very important questions. Some don't daily test themselves against Scripture to even know the difference between confessing faith with their lips and confessing faith with their whole lives. Others don't know the difference between human sorrow and godly sorrow.

But there are others, you have my word, who really do seek the grace, wisdom, righteousness, and holiness of God as they spend their whole lives learning and adoring each Biblical doctrine they learn, finding even holy rebukes from Scripture against their flesh to be pleasing as they sanctify them for every good work unto the Lord. They will go to great lengths to question sermons, to speak with pastors and elders and seasoned women in the faith to read notes, and to study their Bibles even if it means they lose 3 hours of sleep at night. They will pray before they speak to anyone about the Lord, fearing that in their ignorance of Scripture, they might still be used. Be afraid of these people, because in their humility and desire to be a pleasing aroma to the Lord, God WILL give them grace, and He WILL help them learn, and because they seek after Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength, He WILL give them the assurance of Himself that they seek. Praise God for these men, women, and children. ♥

Things Like This

2011-12-12T21:41:00.002-07:00

I've felt far away from the the tremors and aches of this world, as if catapulted from the creamy warmth of latte-like love into the depth of firmly pressed espresso-ground perseverance. What coaxes me out of bed is curiosity. I think about how my taste buds will respond to water in the morning. I think about the sweet release of urine: The natural cleansing and emptying process my body decrees of itself daily, only so I can contaminate it with cravings as the hours pass. My toes sweep through bed sheets the way new wine drips steadily into crystal, and I have no resentment. I can almost smell the unborn flowers of Spring.

I'm not depressed. More solitary, as if the fragrance that lifts from a leaf floating on a lake could be called "Just a bit more time, please. I like it here." And while lying still as a water ripple, I pay attention to things that others overlook.

I see hidden joy in the man who knew his limits though he portrayed a danger; an insatiable reckless abandon to outsiders. What else is infantry to a civilian? He tells the world a story of hatred and dismay through his grimace and deep chestnut wrinkles. Yet I see the ocean of blue in his eyes and I know he's surfed many a harsh wave for the majority of his life. His intensity provokes a sensuality and sensitivity in others who see far beyond a mere greeting when they meet someone for the first time. His nose asks "Do you dare question my life before you understand your own?" He draws strength from the obstacles that others wince over.

The fragrance of a decaying leaf certainly isn't of great importance either, yet so much can be said for tangible buoyancy in turbulence.

Sometimes I spend hours contemplating things like this.

Where There's a Will

2011-12-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

The following is from a book called Back to Basics: Rediscovering the Richness of the Reformed Faith by David Hagopian and contributing writers. I have taken the time to transcribe it on my blog because it is necessary to speak on the subject matter. All too often I am finding that Christian friends of mine do not know how to respond (with Scripture) to those who chant "free will", "listen to your heart", and "we're all good people deep down, but some of us do bad things." The excerpt I am posting I have not asked for permission from the author for posting. I intend to email him, if I can find his email, and politely state that I will delete this entry if posting about it is a breech of permissions (I do own the book). I certainly do not want to do anything illegal, but rather, I want the message to get out. If I could afford to, I'd buy a copy of the book for every one of you who wishes to read it. I hope what you read here challenges you to think about your beliefs and how they match up with Scripture, especially if you believe you are Christian. This excerpt is from chapter 3 of the book. I have study notes on this and information for further reading and explanation, but.... you can buy the book if you want all that. :)

Free will -- who could be against it? But there is a better question: Free will -- what is it?

Many of the staunchest advocates of free will encounter immediate difficulties when they are asked to explain what they mean. By closely examining the definitions they offer, it soon becomes apparent that free will, as commonly understood, is not a biblical concept.

Out of the Heart

Contrary to popular belief, the Bible sheds much light on this important subject. In fact, Jesus plainly explains how the will operates -- and his explanation is not what many suppose. In Matthew 12:33-37, He says to us,

Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For our of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

In this passage, Christ teaches that choices come from the heart. Th will does not command the hear; the heart commands the will. Along these lines, consider the tree key points that Christ makes.

First, words and actions are the fruit of our human nature; that is, they reveal our nature. A good nature will result in good words, and an evil nature will result in evil words. Good trees produce good words, and evil trees produce evil fruit. Our words and actions, therefore, are determined not by an autonomous will, but rather by our nature -- whether good or bad.

Second, because our nature determines our words and actions, someone with an evil nature is incapable of speaking good words. But this inability, this bondage, is caused by his own heart. He is bound by what he wants; his heart acts as a limited principle. And because wants emanate from the heart, he is not externally compelled to do what he does. Put simply, he wants what he wants because of his heart. Hence while evil men are free to do what they want, they are not free to do what they should.

Third, just because our choices proceed from our hearts, our responsibility before God is not limited in the slightest. Our words are determined by our hearts, and we will be judged on the basis of our words precisely because they reflect our hearts.

In addiction to explaining the relationships between the heart and the will by referring to fruit-bearing trees, Jesus also makes the same point by referring to treasure chests. In the passage above, He tells us that good deeds come from a good treasure chest, while evil deeds come from a bad one. Whoever reaches into a chest can only pull out of it what was already inside it. To amplify this point a bit, one chest may contain gold, while another chest may contain gravel. One who reaches into the chest containing gold will pull out gold, whereas one who reaches into the chest containing gravel will pull out gravel. Different chests, therefore, contain different things.

Likewise, different people have different hearts, and because difference hearts contain different things, people make different choices. Seen in this light, the will is simply the arm that God has given us to reach into the chest in order to bring out the contents of the heart. Just as the arm has no power to determine the contents of the chest, so the will has no power to determine the contents of the heart. The will has power only to reveal the contents of the heart, and this it does very well.

As a result, no one is capable of making a choice contrary to his heart's strongest desire. This is an inexorable law; there are no exceptions. The source of this law is found in God, whose choices proceed from His immutable and holy nature. Jesus taught us that no man can say, "yes, I chose to do this, but my strongest desire was to do that." By definition, what we choose to do is what we want to do. We may certainly have other desires, and they may be very strong (Romans 7:18-23), but what we finally do is what we ultimately wanted to do most. We are therefore responsible for the choices we have made.

If a particular choice did not stem from our strongest desire, we would not have made it to begin with. Suppose, for example, that I offer a man a bowl of cockroaches to eat, and he declines the invitation because he doesn't want to ear them. Suppose further that because he doesn't want to eat them, I proclaim,

"Ah, your will is enslaved!"
"You're crazy!" he retorts. "How can you say that my will is enslaved?"
"Because you didn't use your will to eat the cockroaches," I say.
"My will," he contends, "is working perfectly well, thank you. I simply willed not to eat the cockroaches."

Quite true. His will chose just what he wanted, and he did not want to eat cockroaches. But suppose that he tries to refute the notion that what we want to do is what we end up doing by saying, "I don't want to eat a cockroach, but I'm going to do so anyway. So there!" Has he now made his point? Not at all. He has simply acted on the basis of his strongest desire, which is now to win the debate.

In light of what we have considered, we see that is it inaccurate to talk about free will, as though there were an autonomous thing inside of us, capable of acting in any direction, regardless of the motives of our hearts. If such a thing existed -- a creature who made choices apart from the desires of the heart -- we would not applaud it as a paragon of free will but rather would pity is as a collection of random, arbitrary, and insane choices. Far from being a free and responsible agent, admired by all, such a creature would be a freak -- a side show at the circus causing passers-by to recoil in abject horror. Choices made apart from the desires of the heart would be an exhibition, not of freedom, but of insanity: "Why did you throw the vase against the wall?" "Because I wanted to go for a walk." The lights are on, but nobody is home!

It is far more biblical to speak of free men than of free will. A free man is someone who is free from external compulsion and is consequently at liberty to do what his heart desires. We shall refer to this kind of liberty as "natural liberty," which all men possess. It is true of liberty, and it is a gift from God. Under the superintendence of God, all men, Christian and non-Christian, have natural liberty to turn left and right, to choose chocolate or vanilla, or to move to this city or that -- depending entirely upon what they want to do.

Notice that this natural liberty is not the same thing as freedom from sin, which we shall refer to as "moral liberty." In Romans 6:20-22, Paul makes the distinction between natural liberty, which all men have, and moral liberty, which only believers have. He says, "For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. . . But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life."

Slavery to sin is true slavery (i.e. the opposite of moral liberty). But even sin does not negate natural liberty. The slave to sin is free from righteousness, but is still not free from his own desires. Sin's slave loves sin, and consequently obey his impulses. As a creature, the slave to sin is naturally free to do what he wants, which is to continue in sin. But he is not morally right. Like all men, he is not free to choose what is repulsive to him, and true godliness is repulsive to him. In the realm of morality, he is free in a limited sense -- free from the control of righteousness. When God be grace liberates him from the bondage of his own sin-loving heart, he becomes a slave to God. And as God's slave, out of a new heart, he freely follows Christ. The Christian is morally free from slavery to sin, and free to walk in righteousness.

Turning the Tables

Now that we have cleared up many of the misunderstandings surrounding the definition of free will, we are in a position to clear up a misunderstanding that often arises when someone affirms the biblical doctrine of divine sovereignty, namely, that it destroys freedom. If God sovereignly foreordains that all comes to pass, some mistakenly conclude that human beings have no true freedom at all. This conclusion is quite false.

Over three hundred years ago, some of the greatest theologians ever assembled (the Westminster divines) declared that the the sovereignty of God's eternal decree does not do violence "to the will of the creatures; nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established" (Westminster Confession of Faith 3.1).

Note that the Westminster divines were staying that divine sovereignty is not merely consistent with human liberty, but indeed the very foundation for it. Hence, those who deny the doctrine of divine sovereignty are attacking the only true ground of human liberty.

The debate, then, is not between Christians who affirm the liberty and responsibility of creatures, and those who deny such liberty. Rather, it is between those who ground the liberty of creatures in the strength and power of God, and those who ground it in the strength and power of man.

To be sure, some people dismiss this affirmation of creaturely liberty as something "tacked-on" to the biblical position -- as a sort of sop to common sense. Still others boldly proclaim that to assert both divine sovereignty and true human freedom is "illogical." There is a very simple answer to this bold proclaimation: if asserting both divine sovereignty and human responsibility is illogical, then name the fallacy. There is a vast difference between logical contradictions and those high mysteries that, necessarily, are contained in the infinite wisdom of God. After all, something may be beyond human reason without necessarily being contrary to it.

Dismissing divine sovereignty is a natural mistake to make, and people have been making it at least since the time of Paul (Romans 9:19). When we consider the relationship of the infinite Creator to the finite creature, we do have a problem understanding how true natural liberty can coexist with a sovereign God superintending all events in the universe. But the reconciliation of these two biblical truths is ultimately to be found in the mind of God. It is not a problem that is keeping Him up nights, and we must recognize that our finite, creaturely minds are not capable of penetrating the glories of the infinite Creator. The sovereign prerogatives of the Creator are not inconsistent with the natural liberty and true responsibility of creatures. How could they be? The Bible teaches them both, sometimes in the very same verse (e.g. Matthew 18:7).

Since the Bible teaches both truths, those who claim that divine sovereignty destroys true human liberty have a heavy load to tow. In the end, they destroy human liberty by rejecting its only proper foundation, which is divine sovereignty.

We have already seen that the choices we make proceed from our hearts. Given this biblical fact, it is impossible for a choice to be truly autonomous. If there were an autonomy choice -- a choice for which no reason at all could be given -- we could not longer call it a choice in any meaningful sense. We could have to say that it was a random event. Speaking about an "autonomous choice" is as contradictory as speaking about a "round square."

Because all the influence flows from the heart to the will, and not vice verse, the question comes down to this: Since the will does not determine the direction of the heart, what does? The Bible teaches that God superintends the choices made by men. He may do so immediately through divine intervention, or immediately through the use of secondary agents.

If, for the sake of argument, we were to remove God's personal sovereignty from the realm of human choices, what would be left? Only a blind, inexorable, deterministic fatalism. Picture cupped hands around a guttering candle in a strong wind. This flame represents the human will. The wind is the world around us. The cupped hands are the Lord's. Within Christianity, advocates of "free will" want the Lord to remove His hands so that the candle may burn more brightly. The history of modern philosophy should teach us better than that. Those who begin such optimistic crusades in the name of free will always end up in the fever swamps of blind behaviorism and determinism.

The will simple cannot command the heart. But let us, for the sake of argument, remove the Lord's control of the heart because some well-intentioned Christians say it is inconsistent with free will. What is then left to influence the heart? Only the material universe -- and the name of that philosophy is determinism. The candle is out.

The only biblical conclusion is that man, as a creature, is free to do as he pleases, but that he has this freedom only because God grants, sustains, and perfectly controls it.

Dead On Arrival

We have established that men and women, as creatures, have true natural liberty. God has made the world in such a way that they are free to do as they please. But it does not follow from this that they are free to do as they ought.

Because we have true creaturely freedom, we are free to act on the basis of our desires and are free to do as we please. But because we are by nature sinners, what we desire to do is sinful. Our natural bondage to sin must therefore be seen as an expression of our creaturely freedom, not as a violation of it. As creature, we are free to turn left of right. but as sinners we will turn left into sin or right into sin. As creatures, we are free to choose pride or false humility, drunkenness or gluttony, self-righteousness or flagrant immorality. As creatures, we have freedom to do what we desire. But we always desire to sin because of our evil hearts.

Christ spoke about the relationship between an evil heard and evil deeds when He proclaimed: "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man." (Mark 7:21-23)

Sinners have no desire to glorify God. In a moral sense, there is no freedom until the Spirit of God creates it. Consequently, salvation is not and cannot be the result of a cooperative effort between God and the sinner; it results from the unilateral act of God alone. Until God changes the sinner's heart, the sinner does not want true salvation. The Bible teaches that the unregenerate have no freedom at all in this moral sense. Ironically enough, it is precisely at this point -- the choices that affect salvation -- that many Christians are most eager to assert that the unregenerate actually have such moral freedom.

As we discuss what the Bible says about the condition of the unregenerate, we must keep in mind that the distinction between natural and moral liberty, between a man as a creature and man as a sinner. While man the creature has natural liberty from God, man the sinner does not have moral liberty.

And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of the world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. (Ephesians 2:1-3)

In this passage, Paul tells the Ephesian believers that before God made them alive, they were dead. They were not sick, not infected, not ailing, but dead. The messenger who first preached the gospel to them was not a doctor intent on persuading his patience to take their medicine, but rather was like the prophet Ezekiel, confronted with a congregation of bones.

The deadness of the unregenerate is not a temporary condition brought about by unfortunate circumstances; the unregenerate are all children of wrath by nature. And, as such, they have an inbred hostility toward the things of God -- an inbred hostility about which they themselves can do nothing. Since they have natural liberty (i.e., the freedom to do that which emanates from their evil nature), they do not want to do anything about their present state: "The carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God" (Romans 8:7-8).

The natural man's ability to please God does not come about through external coercion. It is not as though God were holding a gun to his head, preventing him from repenting. He is not a hapless victim begging God to let him repent. It is not that way at all. As the passage above states, inability comes from enmity. The natural man cannot please God because he is at war with God.

In the earlier chapters of Romans, when Paul discusses the condition of the unregenerate, both Jew and Gentile, he leaves absolutely no room for doubt on this issue: "There is none righteous, no, not one; there is none who understands; there is none who seeks after God. They have all gone out of the way; they have together become unprofitable; there is none who does good, no, not one" (Romans 3:10-12).

Remember, God gave us the Bible to reveal His mind to us. Since He chose specific words as the instrument of His revelation, we must treat those words as reliable indications of what God wants us to believe. And if the words in Romans 3 mean anything, not one unregenerate person has ever sought after God -- not one.

The inability of the natural man to love God is a common theme in Paul's writings. It is not limited to the book of Romans. For example, we read in 1 Corinthians 2:14, "But the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he receive them, because they are spiritually discerned."

The natural man can be saved only by the gospel. Ant this gospel, his only hope, is gibberish to him. Because the gospel is foolishness to him, Paul says that he cannot know it. Knowledge of the gospel requires spiritual discernment, and those without the Spirit do not have it. Nor will they have it until God graciously gives them a new heart.

Jesus also teaches that the natural man is unable to know God until God first draws him: "No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day" (John 6:44).

The point is clear enough. Unless the Father draws the unbeliever, the unbeliever cannot come to Christ. Later in the same chapter, when some withdraw from Him, Christ reiterates the same truth: "Therefore I have said to you that no one can come to Me unless it has been granted to him by my Father" (John 6:65). In other words, some withdrew from Christ because they wanted to, and the only way they could have had a different desire would have been if the Father had given it to them. In this case, He had not.

The Bible emphatically asserts that the unregenerate have no desire for God, and therefore, are unable to come to Him. Their inability is not an external constraint placed upon them; rather, it is an indication of the sinfulness of their hearts. They cannot because they will not. They will not because their wills are free to choose their hearts' desire. They are in moral bondage because they have natural liberty to do as they please.

In view of these truths, how can anyone be saved? If all are in this condition -- and the Bible says that they are -- how is it that some come to repentance and faith? How is salvation possible?

We have seen that because sinners love sin, they cannot choose God. But does not follow from this that God cannot choose sinners. God loves sinners more than sinners love sin. His pure love is greater than our defiled love, and it goes forth conquering and to conquer. The Bible teaches us that our salvation is grounded in a loving God who chose rebellious and ungrateful sinners as His own before the foundation of the world.

No Donut Ornament

2011-12-06T21:26:00.001-07:00

After being having heard nothing from the Caldwell, Idaho police, being told he's overqualified for the Ada County (Boise) Deputy Marshal position, being told by the Alaska police that he's qualified but the money won't be worth his time or their time to pull him up there with all the transportation expenses, and being denied by Greenwich, Connecticut police, Nicholas has decided to apply to police departments all over the place. He's applied to all sorts of things for the last few years. We KNOW that it's not an issue with him, because his resume speaks volumes for him, he's still working his janitor job, has never taken a day off, and is praised by superiors consistently as having the best work ethic they've ever seen. (I say this with humility because I remember the PTSD stigma and how it crippled us for a convenient 2 straight years.)

This is completely in God's hands, not for lack of effort on our parts. Something will change as the Lord desires. Next year maybe he will finally be evaluated by the military. Maybe God was just giving him all this time to make weight (and it would not be so strange if that were true). I know, I said that in 2010, but we also know that good things come to those who wait in faith and obey God's commands (Hebrews 11, Psalm 119). Whatever ends up happening, there is no way Nicholas is going to stay a janitor for the long-haul (terrible joke).

So in a nut shell, we don't know what the Lord is doing, but we rest faithfully in the knowledge that He IS doing things, and that without a doubt, what we are doing is living according to His decretive will. We can't fully understand it, and we don't need to. Azarel doesn't understand all the reasons Daddy and Mama do what they do in terms of raising him, but he is a child with child-like reasoning, and as he matures, he will understand more. He still knows we love him and watch out for him and treasure him. Likewise, we know that God is a wonderful Father to us and that He is trustworthy at all times.

It's continual testing and refining on so many more levels than I can explain here. Times like these we greatly take refuge in our salvation and the strength of the Lord, knowing that we don't need to shake a fist at God or grow bitter at our circumstances and our financial woes. Why? Because we have hope and the means to a glorious end through Christ Jesus. Without end let us praise God regardless.

It is by the grace of God that during this time of the year I am not caught up in misery or self-pity because I cannot buy presents for anyone. I grew up believing that the more gifts there were under the tree, the more I was loved. I can't tell you why I thought that (because my mother did not raise me that way), except that a silent yearly war arose between my friends and I, as if the one who had the most was the elite, and the one who had the least was shunned for a few months. Now, I see things very similarly to how my mom raised me. Presents may or may not be there, and if they are there, you can bet they came from Goodwill. If they are not there, enjoy the roof over your head, the heat pumping through the vents, the hugs in the morning, and eggs on your plate. Enjoy that the day and everything about it belongs to the Lord. Do not get wrapped up in the cellophane Santa routine, hollow as a woodpecker's hole.

I can joke about it now, but in truth, when I sleep at night and think about Christmas morning, I think that having my Bible opened up to praises for my King will be far greater a representation of His majesty than relics, bits of overpriced wrapping paper, and reminders of money spent on things I can't take with me to Heaven. Nicholas is looking forward to the gift we're giving our son. One thing. That's it. I'm not being miserable about it, nor am I pep-talking myself. In truth, it isn't really phasing me. We haven't asked for assistance because we have what we need. Maybe our needs are different than yours. You might even think we need more than what we have. But we have noticed that the less we have according to American standards of wealth, the richer our hearts become. This isn't a slight on patriotism, but a slight on idolatry of worldly treasure.

What I'd really like to be able to do is fly my husband's battle-brothers out here for a home-cooked dinner, some good sides, some beer, and just some time to be with each other. I don't ever want my husband's battle brothers to feel like they're unimportant or forgotten. I want to sacrifice myself because of their sacrifices, and ultimately because of Christ's sacrifices.

I don't mean to sound like a drama queen in anything I've written. Hopefully I don't sound like I'm playing a violin. I definitely know people who have things way worse. I have a few friends who are in the middle of divorces and have no idea why people talk so much about loving one another but don't, and they have no idea why if it's such a joyful season people aren't loving God more, because God is the author of true love and joy! Others have more health problems than the values of their debts amount to. I know people who have mentioned refinancing their homes just to afford presents because they don't want to look like bad parents or instigate bullying for their children at school if they don't give enough gifts on Christmas Day. That's why I'm not being miserable about what our present circumstances are. What is the use of complaining about this? We're at where we're at. We're putting our best effort forth. Things still happen. God is still God.

The greatest gift I know I can give to anyone is the gospel: especially by living it myself. No earthly-purchased gift can light up a soul the way Jesus can.

from Google

If you are wondering why I titled this post the way I did, I intended to surprise my husband with a donut-hole Christmas ornament this year as a congratulations gag gift if he got the law enforcement job. I found a really funny (and cheap) one on Amazon.com and knew he would appreciate it. I was really looking forward to it, because I knew some humor would really help ease us into a transition of not being in what some consider "poor-people mode." Hey, call it what you want, but I refer to Matthew chapter 5 quite frequently, and let me assure you, the disciples that Jesus spoke the Beatitudes to were not poor. They were so blessed, and were going to be even more blessed in the future by heeding the words of Christ. They had heavenly treasure, and that is what we're after. When I see someone who is rich, their riches are things like charity, forbearance, longsuffering, joy, meekness, self-control, loyalty, hope, faith, gentleness, zeal for the truth, boldness in the face of adversity, love, compassion, forgiveness, honesty, etc. Character qualities of the regenerate. No holes in their donuts! They're filled with the Holy Spirit. *wink*

Things with the Caldwell police application looked really promising, and people said some really encouraging things. While flattery can be nice, that's all it is. We don't like false hope, but again, we absolutely hope in Christ. Besides, there are still places needing employees. People retire, people leave, people get laid off, people quit, people are fired, etc. A jail (that's right, a jail) is being built in our town in the next couple years, and it won't be unreasonable (if we're still here) if my husband has something to do with putting people in there, or keeping them there. Keeping all things in perspective....

"1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:1-5

Santa Baby

2011-12-04T16:45:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I'm a nut. Decided to sing it. hahahaha

I am "MarineWifeUnplugged" if you feel like following me on YouTube.

Exodus and Senate Votes to Repeal Ban on Sodomy & Bestiality in Military

2011-12-03T22:11:00.001-07:00

If you are here to read about the U.S. Senate vote, find the bold print toward the bottom of this post.

While reading through Exodus, which I have just finished, I have been a mixture of awestruck by the power and grace of the LORD, infuriated at the idolatry of Israel, hopeful and thankful for the diligence and reverence, mastery, and skills of the holy priesthood and the artisans called apart by the Lord for the building of the tabernacle, undone with thankfulness of Moses, and then completely broken apart by a longing for leadership like his in my country. I discovered a fascination with middle-eastern foods, specifically unleavened bread and Persian date cakes, and a desire to learn more about plants used in the Bible (and the Quran). (Two new books have been added to my Amazon Book Wish List!)

Ceremonial sacredness is very appealing to me (which may have something to do with my desire for worship leaders during services and ceremonies to practice and perform with well-learned skill and training rather than only a heart of worship), as it causes the propitiation (an act/sacrifice that turns away wrath) of Christ to become all the more vivid and penetrating in its meaning. It is said, and accurately so, that the New Testament makes no sense without the Old, and the Old is incomplete without the New. We'd still be hoping for priests to atone for each of our sins by day and by night if it were not for Christ Jesus!! What a Savior!!! What a glorious cross!! I could weep, this is so magnificent. I am learning, a bit more every day, how severe our sin is to God; how absolutely repulsive it is, and how absolutely perfect Christ was, is, and always will be.

Can you imagine wanting so badly for your people to be holy and set apart as they are called to be by the LORD Himself, that when just after a time of being with God, you find them worshiping idols that your right-hand man who was also consecrated for priesthood actually made for them and allowed them to worship? Can you even fathom, knowing the promise and command the Lord has given you (pretend you are Moses for a second) to raise up and bless a people of Himself and for Himself, for those people to completely turn away under your leadership? Imagine the pressure! But note the adoration and the pleading and the worship of Moses!

As a side note, I know that Moses' ministry would not have been nearly as possible if his wife had not been a godly woman, herself. There is little said of her in Scripture, but it's worthy of mention that what is said of her is not bad.

Oh, Exodus is ripping my heart apart. All I want to do is fall on my face and worship my Maker, praying for those who are His to return to Him, to humble themselves before Him, to repent of their sins and seek His face, and pray. What wonders the Lord would do if those who are called His by name would be obedient!!

Oh, but the material world is so much more tempting, right? Gotta have your quick fix.

Learning about the Ark of the Covenant, The Testimony of His Holiness, the measurements of the Tabernacle, the specific details of the priestly garments, and the tarrying in the wilderness with faith absolutely tested day in and day out...... you know, it seems so obvious. We have records of what the Lord has done. I have a blog where I record what the Lord does in my life. These things need to be recorded, lest we forget where the Lord has brought us from.

I did not know before tonight that only TWO people were put in charge of crafting everything in the Tabernacle and all the garments of ministry. :-O TWO!!! That's incredible! Bezalel son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and Aholiab the son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan. Does this make anyone else leap for joy?! Why does it make you leap for joy, Nicole? Because AGAIN I see just how much God can and does use people for His purposes beyond their own expectations.

Note what Exodus 31:3-5 says:

"And I have filled him with the Spirit of God, in wisdom, in understanding, in knowledge, and in all manner of workmanship, 4 to design artistic works, to work in gold, in silver, in bronze, 5 in cutting jewels for setting, in carving wood, and to work in all manner of workmanship."

Again, in 35:30-35:

"30 And Moses said to the children of Israel, “See, the LORD has called by name Bezalel the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah; 31 and He has filled him with the Spirit of God, in wisdom and understanding, in knowledge and all manner of workmanship, 32 to design artistic works, to work in gold and silver and bronze, 33 in cutting jewels for setting, in carving wood, and to work in all manner of artistic workmanship.
34 “And He has put in his heart the ability to teach, in him and Aholiab the son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan. 35 He has filled them with skill to do all manner of work of the engraver and the designer and the tapestry maker, in blue, purple, and scarlet thread,and fine linen, and of the weaver—those who do every work and those who design artistic works."

We sometimes think "What can God do with me? I'm just a _____." Oh, but He can! He does not give us skills and the abilities to acquire skills for nothing. I tell you the truth, when I worked in my mother's bakery, I did not think I would ever use what I learned there, nor the skills I learned in temp jobs working for children with disabilities, nor the skill of shampooing heads at hair salons, but behold, the Lord has used each of those skills for His glory. (Romans 8:28 -- and granted, the context in this verse refers to suffering for His glory, but please know that just because you have a job does not mean you are not suffering to any degree. I won't be naive in my statement or use of a verse for reference. Context matters a lot to me.)

The following just ruins me. These people go from worshiping a golden calf, to a few years later, returning to the Lord and giving only as their hearts were stirred and they were led to by their spirits:

"2 Then Moses called Bezalel and Aholiab, and every gifted artisan in whose heart the LORD had put wisdom, everyone whose heart was stirred, to come and do the work. 3 And they received from Moses all the offering which the children of Israel had brought for the work of the service of making the sanctuary. So they continued bringing to him freewill offerings every morning. 4 Then all the craftsmen who were doing all the work of the sanctuary came, each from the work he was doing, 5 and they spoke to Moses, saying, “The people bring much more than enough for the service of the work which the LORD commanded us to do.”
6 So Moses gave a commandment, and they caused it to be proclaimed throughout the camp, saying, “Let neither man nor woman do any more work for the offering of the sanctuary.” And the people were restrained from bringing, 7 for the material they had was sufficient for all the work to be done—indeed too much." (Exodus 36:2-7)

Here are a couple more of my favorite verses from Exodus:

"17 So the LORD said to Moses, “I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in My sight, and I know you by name.”
18 And he said, “Please, show me Your glory.”
19 Then He said, “I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” 20 But He said, “You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live.” 21 And the LORD said, “Here is a place by Me, and you shall stand on the rock. 22 So it shall be, while My glory passes by, that I will put you in the cleft of the rock, and will cover you with My hand while I pass by. 23 Then I will take away My hand, and you shall see My back; but My face shall not be seen.” (Exodus 33:17-23)

"5 Now the LORD descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. 6 And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, 7 keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” ⁸ So Moses made haste and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshiped. ⁹ Then he said, “If now I have found grace in Your sight, O Lord, let my Lord, I pray, go among us, even though we are a stiff-necked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us as Your inheritance.” (Exodus 34:5-8)

***Breaking News***

I was going to keep going with Exodus things,

but I just read THIS article about

SENATE voting to REPEAL BANS

ON SODOMY AND BESTIALITY IN THE MILITARY.

I need to know how someone can vote for these sinful acts while continuing to give dishonorable discharges

to servicemen and women for drug use!!

Oh oh.. wait... it's because of

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

THAT'S HOW THIS CAME ABOUT!
This is what all the liberals fought for!

Thank you! No! Really! Thank you!

(Our forefathers are disgusted.)
Now we have a government supporting men
who wish to lie with goats
(name your animal)
as well as with one another.

My husband and I are spreading the word
and are going to let this
ugly cat out of its ugly bag as much as we can
(and no, you may not have sex with it).

The wait is as frustrating as it has always been

2011-12-02T18:06:00.001-07:00

What speaks louder to family, friends, co-workers, fellow Christians, and even strangers than perseverance? Refusing to complain about the hardships you encounter.

My husband still has not received a date for the military evaluation he's supposed to have, the applications (yes, plural) he's put in for law enforcement still have not opened up doors, and we are still living off of minimum wage. There are other things, too. I haven't complained about it lately for the sole reason that God takes care of us despite the obstacles, and our trust in Him continue to increase. The less we complain, the more dramatically our hope in Christ increases.

The frustration of waiting comes up most when we are not content with the Lord. Eating as healthily as we can within our budget, exercising consistently, blessing others as often as possible, and staying in the Word really helps, so we make sure we do those things.

I think I feel the need to say this because people tend to lack understanding of how someone can be joyful while their dreams have been taken away from them. It's hard to be encouraged, especially this time of the year, and I know this. But I am encouraged daily by the changes in my husband's character, my own character, and in the desire we have for the Lord.

"And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;

For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You."

(Psalm 9:10)

I made that list, and I checked it twice.

2011-11-30T13:56:00.001-07:00

Everyone's naughty. Nobody's nice. Ohhhhhh! *rimshot*

I got the family Christmas picture done last night. Gotta love 2-second self-timers. I ran back and forth like a fool for five minutes, wishing I had a wireless remote. Frustrated with blurry shots after all that, I used my old point 'n shoot for its longer timer. Only after THAT did I learn my dslr has a ten-sec timer on it. So lame.

I had made a little ha-ha with my friends last night, saying;

P.S. if any of you want a Christmas card from us, send a self adressed, stamped envelope with your living will, $50 for my trouble, and a candy cane to cover the labor and nastiness of licking the envelope shut. Yeah, that oughta do it.

This morning I placed an order for a very pleasing glossy card with our picture on it and the names of Jesus around it: Black background, gold cursive writing. In the midst of the writing is "Nicholas, Nicole, & Azarel Vandeventer 2001." Not everyone celebrates Christmas, but I have absolutely NO shame in proclaiming the name of Christ whether or not someone else does! Gee, who would'a guessed! I made the list of recipients, a total of only 25 because it's what fits our budget, and I am so thankful that I have family and friends to send them to!

Our 2011 Christmas card image

My son's face is priceless. I just love how Nicholas's knee and my knee are equally opposite and where our hands are and everything. Really, I don't think we could have taken such a natural-looking shot at a studio, so I'm quite pleased! And, Nicholas lost about 90 lbs. Amazing! Isn't he handsome?!

Second blog-worthy diddle is the book I received in the mail a few days ago. What a perfect, gift! It had been on my Amazon Books Wish List for months, but I didn't tell anyone about it, so when I found out my mother-in-law bought it for me, I was beyond thrilled!! It's called Back to Basics: Rediscovering the Richness of the Reformed Faith. It's not milk. If you want milk, read something else. I need meat! This is well thought-out, straight to the heart of Biblical reformed theology subject matter, and speaks to every main point of Christianity and counters arguments that many individuals dismiss Scripture because of. (I should get paid for speaking this highly of books!)

I'm also continuing to read through the Old Testament, very slowly. I'm only about halfway through Exodus, but that's because God keeps speaking to me so much about so many things. Sometimes my head wants to explode! All I want to do is read, and then write, and then read, and then shout what I learn to the rest of the world. And then as soon as I go to sit down to read, I have a ton of other things to do. The perils! Oh the perils! *smirk*

I've been learning how to respond to Azarel's disobedience with a calm demeanor while disciplining him. He still learns. Oh, he definitely learns, but it's amazing how quickly things are taken care of when I don't get my panties all bunched up. Parents, I know you know what I'm talking about.

I don't know about YOU, but I learn the hard way because I am dense, dumb, prone to second-guessing, prone to wander from the truth, and prone to screw up every chance possible. If I would just stay consistent with what Nicholas and I have discussed, keep my heart and mind in prayer, and pray more than I speak, remembering to be quick to listen and slow to anger, quick to exercise self-control, and quicker to love according to how God wishes for me to love instead of my own high opinion of what I "think" love ought to look like within the realms of parenting, things would be great. But alas, I am a sinner, and I suck, and I need help!

The following is something I was thinking about earlier today (with Scripture for some reference). I suppose you could consider this a daily devotion of sorts, except that I don't know many devotions that scratch more than the surface of topics, whether the topics be simple or complex. I am quite possibly obsessed with wanting to have more godly character, and I tend to be a poor judge of my character to know if it is in fact godly in its appearance before others. Last night my husband reminded me that it is, and I was greatly humbled (and overjoyed)!

I'm interested to hear from you about this. There are several Bible verses about having holy conduct and godliness, but it's not very often that I hear churches preach on this, or even Christians speak on it. What do you know about having holy conduct and godliness? And how do you apply what you know about it to your daily life?

"13 Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 14 as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; 15 but as He who called you is holy, you also be HOLY IN ALL YOUR CONDUCT, 16 because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” 17 And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; 18 knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless CONDUCT received by tradition from your fathers, 19 but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. 20 He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you 21 who through Him believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God." (1 Peter 1:13-21)

"10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise, and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up. 11 Therefore, since all these things will be dissolved, what manner of persons ought you to be IN HOLY CONDUCT AND GODLINESS, 12 looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be dissolved, being on fire, and the elements will melt with fervent heat?" (2 Peter 3:10-12)

"16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. 17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." (Galatians 5:16-26)

"[ Paul’s Sincerity ] For our boasting is this: the testimony of our conscience that we conducted ourselves in the world in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom but by the grace of God, and more abundantly toward you." (2 Corinthians 1:12)

"For you have heard of my former conduct in Judaism, how I persecuted the church of God beyond measure and tried to destroy it." (Galatians 1:13)

"among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others." (Ephesians 2:3)

"that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts," (Ephesians 4:22)

"[ Striving and Suffering for Christ ] Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel," (Philippians 1:27)

"but if I am delayed, I write so that you may know how you ought to conduct yourself in the house of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of the truth." (1 Timothy 3:15)

"[ Take Heed to Your Ministry ] Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity." (1 Timothy 4:12)

There are many more verses about conduct. I just wanted to give a more thorough example of what I was referring to. A lot can be gathered from just these verses! The Old Testament has a ton, too.

This was spurred on by something that happened last night; something very small. Yesterday I did something simple, like walking through a hobby store with Azarel, and Nicholas was in there with a bunch of other guys. I was told later on that apparently whatever I was "doing" (nothing at all), made an impact on them. Nicholas told me their responses just to my presence because I'm not like other women really hit them. I said, "You're kidding honey! All I did was stand there!" lol! But he wasn't kidding at all. And he said I made him proud. *blushes*

You never know when you'll have an impact on someone. This ties about godliness and conduct not because I believe that I am a great example of what I'm talking about, but because I want to be more of an example, knowing that if I can honor God behind closed doors, I can honor God before men, and if I cannot honor God behind closed doors with my conduct and character, I can be certain that failure around others ensues. This also reminds me of the importance of being together; my husband and I, that is. Maybe it's a glitch in my brain to put the two together the way I have, but it made me want to be that object of affection more often. When my conduct and character is rightly lined up with Scripture, my husband wants to be around me more. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? But it's challenging for everyone. And there's always a trickle-down effect. We know this when we study the psychological effects of depression or any other character trait. You probably know the phrase "Misery loves company" and "bad company corrupts good character." To the contrary, godly character and conduct is contagious, and like a warm cup of comfort on a cold day, people crave it. I hope you seek to have it, acquire it, and share it, too. :-)

Lastly for this entry, two pictures I took yesterday while out and about in the Boise, Idaho area.

Old house in Nampa, ID, USA 2011

November 2011, Boise, ID, USA Sunset

Please visit my good friend Carlyle's new blog, One Odd Duck. He writes from the heart, he's a Christian with multiple college degrees, and he has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism. Being his friend for the last few years, I have learned so much about the love of God and persecution within the Body of Christ due to personality differences and mental disabilities, and I am sure you will be blessed by following his blog, too. Oh, and he's a Navy veteran. :)

Did you know I have OCD?

2011-11-27T11:48:00.001-07:00

This picture from Google is a classic example of
how I used to color coordinate everything from crayons
to clothing to school books or anything else.
To this day, I have to restrain myself from imposing
my OCD on my son too much,
but it seems he's already got it.
He gets upset when friends come over
and mess up his toys.
They have to be properly arranged.

My shoes must be flush against the wall, the dishes must be done before I go to bed at night, if I step on something on the carpet while I'm walking, I have to flick it with my toe twice, the corners of books must be aligned, my shirts need to be color-coordinated, and while typing this out, I had to take a break to put another nail in the wall where a picture was crooked. Nicholas is my witness.

I have major problems with crooked things. To the point where if I'm driving on the road and the car in front of me is more to the left of the dotted line than I am, I will try to align my car with the car in front of me, or else I will find a way to pass them. While in a passenger seat, I have to find lines of symmetry all over the place. I have to line up angles between the hood of the car and street lamps and telephone poles. If I don't do this, my mind is confused. But it gets crazy, because as we all know, life is not symmetric. I will start singing and try to get my mind off things, talk to someone, read a book, or something else. Even still, if I'm reading a book in the car, I have to have the book aligned with the dashboard and my legs need to be evenly spaced within the space I have.

Bizarre, right? How do I live with myself? This might be part of why I love nature so much. Things in nature are not symmetric. My brain can rest.

When I was younger and had guinea pigs, it really bothered me when the piggies would move their food bowl from where I placed it. I think I realigned the food bowls at least 5 times a day. (I could continue, but you get the idea.)

And here's a horrible example. In the days I used to post updates on Facebook constantly, I had to post every two hours while awake, and if the update was not actually made on the two-hour mark, I would delete it.

It used to be so bad that when I was younger and had friends over, if they sat on my bed and made a wrinkle in the comforter, I'd make them either sit on the floor, or get out of my room.

Thankfully I don't have fears to go along with any of this stuff.

Shopping? Nah, just girl time.

2011-11-25T17:55:00.001-07:00

Random angles...

Quote of the day:

‎"Ladies and gentlemen: Secularization: no shame. Pluralization: no reason.
Privatization: no meaning. Secularization lives under the illusion of neutrality. It isn’t neutral.

When you produce a shameless culture, an irrational culture and a meaningless culture,

reality will stalk you and call your bluff if you try to kick against the goads."

- Ravi Zacharias: Secularism and the Illusion of Neutrality

Woke up lazy and slow, made my way to the coffee and leftover pie, cleaned up some dishes, soaked some others, and eventually got showered and headed out with my sister-in-law, her two kids, and Azarel. We went to Kohls. Yea, on Black Friday. We had fun browsing. Didn't buy a thing. And I had fun wearing red lip stick. I felt pretty before I put the lipstick on, but it's fun to do something different sometimes, anyway. After, we stopped at the McDonald's drive-thru, got happy meals for the kids, and came home. Now it's almost 1900 and I'm trying to motivate myself to get my workout done. Oh wait! I want to be shredded so that I can perform my God-given duties with greater proficiency! Ah! Motivation's back! (That was easy!)

It crossed my mind today that three years ago, Black Friday fell on November 28th, and it was important to me because that Black Friday, Nicholas, his father, and myself (28 weeks pregnant) drove up from California to Idaho. Nicholas had terminal leave before his involuntary EAS and we were embarking on a very different (and very scary) new chapter in our lives. That Black Friday was the day we moved into the spare room in his mother's house. It was not a good time in our lives.... but praise God we had each other and we had a roof over our heads. Azarel was born two weeks later (and I just planned his third birthday party today).

So serious... : )

My son likes taking pictures as much as I do.

Cousin love

My sister-in-law and I

My niece, Emily. : )

My nephew, Noah. : )

Chained to the beautiful cross no matter where I go

Needs

2011-11-24T21:26:00.001-07:00

The centerpiece.

Truly, how many homeless people did you pass by this week? How many "needy?" How would you know if a person is homeless or needy? It's something many of us struggle to discern, but those who diligently seek wisdom and discernment from the Lord know that He is faithful to give us wisdom and discernment. If a man uses your money for drugs, it does not make him less needy (he tends to his wounds and you tend to yours), and a woman who has food and shelter is not necessarily "without need," either. Let's keep "needy" in perspective, remembering that God remembers our works. Judge with righteous judgment. Not by appearance. (John 7:24)

What do people truly need? Shelter. Food. Health. Strength. Clothing. Love. Forgiveness. Salvation. God, above all, who supplies all our needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Those who do not know the Lord need the Lord, truly. They need every demonstration of Christ-likeness you can conjure up, as the days only grow shorter. And truly, those who have the Lord need to see examples of Christ-likeness just as much as the unsaved. Truly.

The desk I normally type away on

Be thankful by giving yourself fully to the work of an ambassador of Christ who is our fulfillment, all in all, forevermore. Fulfill the needs of others as you are able to. Give even strangers reasons to thank more than just one day of the year (when it's popular).

** ** **

Before the chairs and people came

Thanksgiving ended up better than I thought it would, though the start was rocky. I did chop up the veggies last night so that when I woke up to do the turkey at 0730, I didn't have too much thinking to do. After I put the turkey in the oven, I went back to bed. For two and a half hours. I was completely exhausted from the night before, for reasons I won't get into.

My mother-in-law showed up at 1100 and helped by peeling potatoes for mashed potatoes, and keeping me calm. I was glad I had already made my homemade cranberry sauce and homemade cranberry butter. Brewed coffee. There was a tension in the air that was crippling, to the point where I was nauseous and was not able to eat. (Again, not getting into it.) She helped me get the turkey out and my green bean casserole and yams into the oven. She brought cheeses, crackers, rolls, cookies, and pie: Way more than I had asked for.

That'll do, pig. I mean... turkey.

My husband's grandmother brought a cranberry salad. My father-in-law brought chairs and snack tables to put the extras on that didn't fit on the table. My sister-in-law brought a ham, and it was delicious. Really, every bit of the food was good. We also had Shock Top Raspberry Wheat Ale and Michelob Dark Lager (which I didn't drink because I'm not much of a beer person.) My husband prayed over the food and served. I was exhausted the whole time and fought tears. I was in house clothes the whole day. Just didn't really have the urge to get all gussied up for anyone since I had been in the kitchen for hours.

My son always winds up being the center of attention.

Soon after we all finally ate, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their two kids had to leave to host Thanksgiving for her family at their house, so my ideal hope of having them stay and relax with coffee and playing games didn't work out at all, but at least..... at least.... I finally got to host Thanksgiving, and I really did enjoy that. Even with the exhaustion, it filled a void that I'd had for years. I now know I can do it. My mother-in-law separated all the turkey meat from the bones, thank God. She enjoyed doing it, too. Even better. Nicholas, my sister-in-law, and grandmother helped clear dishes from the table. Thank God.

Definitely a terrible picture, but I love it.
You can tell in my shoulders I've been working out.
Sweet.

After I washed all the dishes (ok, I still have some casserole dishes to wash, but the plates are all clean), they left. Then things settled back down and Nicholas and I had a heart to heart, and thus....my initial thoughts on this post.

We need each other. Truly. We may want to rip one another's heads off, and we may say some things that we will forever hate having said and heard, but we need each other. I am most thankful today for my trials, for the things which God knows of my heart that I never share on this blog, and for love, which cannot fail. I am thankful for the cross Jesus was crucified on above all else, because He demonstrated a kind of love I hope eventually to really mirror. Love is unstoppable. Oh, things might come and try to ruin it, but love also fights for the truth, because Love, Christ who is True Love, never changes and always stands up for righteousness. I am being very ambiguous right now about specifics in my life for good reason, but I mean every word of what I'm saying. Wisdom says it is generally those who challenge you the most whom you need to humble yourself before.

Just funny. We're family!

Nicholas was taking these. Longer arms.

Goofing off

Why are his eyes open? Can anyone tell me? LOL

He looks older than two!

Love.

And this is just funny.

Jesus ate with sinners, but He had fellowship with His own. Please don't neglect what God has given you that you may give to others, no matter how much you might feel uncomfortable by giving, whether it be prayers for or with someone, time, money, an ear, something that costs you a great deal of convenience, or anything else. I learned new lessons today in having a servant heart. Love does not seek itself. I need to be more loving... and I need to serve more. I want a servant heart.

"For you were called to freedom, brothers.

Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Galatians 5:13-14

Throughout the day, I listened to songs like this all day on accuradio.com's Celtic Christmas station.

Thanks-xiety

2011-11-23T12:42:00.001-07:00

(from Google images)

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

~Matthew 6:34~

Nicholas's parents just moved out of their house and are in the process of moving to Alaska, so it only seemed right to host Thanksgiving at my house this year for his family, namely his father, his mother, his grandmother, his brother and his wife, and their two kids. Ten people isn't so bad, I don't think, but it's my first time. I'd always wanted to, but never felt like I was established enough or skilled enough with time management and food prep to coordinate everything to my standards. Say what? In fact, growing up, I had nightmares that I'd kill everyone with under-cooked poultry. (Just add it to the list of things I've had nightmares about. Fear sucks.) To make matters worse, I have poisoned Nicholas and myself on more than one occasion because of under-cooked meat/poultry.

Regardless, the Lord blessed us with food and the Lord blessed us with a roof, with a somewhat stable environment free of complete chaos and stress, free of drunkenness and high amounts of drama. The Lord has blessed us in more ways than I can count. I have to remind myself of this so that while I'm stressing, I remember that cooking is a good thing to be stressed over. Stressing over how to cook the food is much nicer than stressing because I have no food, right? Right! Of course. (I'm not condoning stress. If I was, I would not have posted Matthew 6:34.)

So, here's what I'm making:

~A 14 lb turkey -with.... flour, margarine, olive oil, parsley, paprika, garlic powder, salt, pepper, onions, celery, carrots and the stuffing cooked inside an oven bag. Am I really this brave? NO. I am really determined to make something either excellent or catastrophic. The day will go down in history one way or another.
~Mashed potatoes without dairy (This is going to take a small miracle because I have never tried to make mashed taters with margarine and Lactaid "stuff." But that's what Nicholas's grandmother can eat, and I don't have enough pots to cook two batches of things.)
~Brown Gravy
~Green Bean Casserole (which my family absolutely loves and I'm pretty good at making it)
~Candied Yams
~Cranberry Sauce -from scratch
~Warm potato rolls. Actually, I bought some. Sue me. I have enough on my plate. (Horrible pun)

My mother-in-law is bringing..... some kind of pie I think? I can't remember. My sister-in-law is bringing drinks (I think?). I can't remember that either. Whatever people bring, I have plates out, I have utensils, I have tap water, I am four chairs short, and I don't have enough ice to go around, BUT I HAVE LOVE!!!

I could get all sentimental on you right now about the last year and what the Lord has done, but I'll save that for another time. Right now I'm in "get 'er done" mode.

On a side note (not a side dish), my clothes already fit better from working out consistently with Jillian Michaels. I can already see muscle definition that did not exist before. I do NOT want to ruin the progress by gaining 5 lbs tomorrow. Self control is something I'd really like to add to my list of thanks tomorrow!)

On another side note, only four people who I was friends with on Facebook have contacted me since I deactivated my account. Four - out of 202 friends. That's pathetic. They all griped about me leaving, but I guess they all got over it! Nice.

Back to organizing - even down to the baking dishes I'll use. I have to get detailed because my resources are limited. If the food all comes out hot and cooked well when my in-laws get here, I might cry.

The Grand Delete - And Favorite Quotes

2011-11-22T10:40:00.001-07:00

The following is what I posted before I went to bed last night. I wanted to sleep on the idea of not having Facebook anymore.

"So many social platforms, and yet I see that respect for one another in terms of manners has dropped, we no longer ask if we can use something (we just take and share), and it is no longer common to call someone up (even if their number is listed on here) to say Happy Birthday or "I'm sorry things are so rough, tell me how I can help." (just random examples) We're all so "social" now, so conditioned to simply waiting for the next update, that when we can't click "like" on something, we don't know how to express ourselves. We walk in Wal-mart and look at our iPhones before we greet one another. And what do we have for it? We don't take ourselves seriously and then we wonder why other people aren't friendly. We're mirroring each other. It's a debatable topic of course, but the truth is, a great many people are addicted to Facebook and feel amiss if they go come on and check their stuff. (Would you like to know what I'm really thinking?) Granted, there are exceptions to this. Facebook has many "pros" for each of its cons. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone with anything here, and it's not just Facebook that is the issue. These are merely my observations. And here it comes. "Well Nicole, if you don't like it, stop using Facebook! No one is forcing you to be here." Right. I am considering that, carefully, as I weigh the pros and cons."

I weighed them. I'm a Facebook addict, so every positive I see in Facebook is seen through a biased eye. That said, I realize I need to break the addiction. I don't want to have a guilty pleasure. If I am guilty of something, I need to deal with it. Guilt is not pleasant. (Who came up with that 'guilty pleasure' phrase, anyway? I need to have words with them.)

On another note, people were not buying my photography through Facebook, so what was the point of posting on Facebook? If anything, I saw competition, people tried to use my page to post their own work, and it really me got nowhere. Maybe I don't have the business aspect of Facebook down. Maybe I didn't put forth enough time, money, or effort. Maybe I am not supposed to because my priority is to be a wife and a mother. Maybe it doesn't matter. Either way, it's a headache I don't want.

I'm giving people the chance to get my information down (namely my blog email and blog) so that I can be contacted. In a few hours, The Grand Delete will take place. I need my nose in Scripture. Not in other peoples' business. (And I know I've said this before. Obviously I'm convicted and have been trying to skirt around the issue, looking for ways to compromise the very things I should not be compromising at all.) I found myself intrigued by the ease of being a busybody. It's so easy to think "Oh, who is that that my friend clicked on?" and then scope out profiles, just to what? Judge by appearance? People say things that I really have no business knowing, and then I feel awkward when I know things and even more awkward if I say something about it to them, which is ironic because people have said the same thing to me after reading many of my blog entries. I have no issue with journalism/blogging, though. It's probably because I know how to say what I want to say most of the time, and also because I post complete thoughts, rather than fragments. I'll stay in my own little corner, plow away at my blog, and that will be just fine for me.

**Note to my family and friends** If you used Facebook as an excuse not to call me, because checking out my updates is easier than talking to me for real, your loss. I shared about 1/3 of what I wanted to on Facebook just because the website is a lot like a giant traffic jam.

from Google images

Here are some of favorite quotes,

since these won't be visible on Facebook anymore:

"If the Scripture has more than one meaning, it has no meaning at all." -John Owen

"The mark of a saint: Absolute hope in the Lord when things look absolutely hopeless." -me

"Negativity is corrosive."

"When you feel like being a consumer, serve somebody. God loves a servant heart." -me

"Me? Two-faced? Absolutely. I have a "before coffee" face, and an "after coffee" face. Take a stab at which of those faces you've seen more of." -me

1 Corinthians 14:2-4 "2 For he who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God, for no one understands him; however, in the spirit he speaks mysteries. 3 But he who prophesies speaks edification and exhortation and comfort to men. 4 He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church."

"Therefore know this day, and consider it in your heart, that the LORD Himself is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other." -Deuteronomy 4:39 NKJV

A thought the Lord popped into my head, this is a thought that's worthy of being proclaimed: "It's hardly a cross if it's easy to bear."

"It's not until you struggle for your faith that your faith really becomes your own." -James White

"Does he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I think not. So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded, say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do.’” -Luke 17:9-10 NKJ

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"We obey because we are the elect: Not because of how it makes us feel." -something the Lord spoke to me on 9/6/11

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ." -Philippians 3:8 ESV

"Am I going to live for myself today and play the hypocrite, or am I going to honor God and reject how lazy I feel like being?" -me (first thoughts when I wake up in the morning)

"A Christian woman who recognizes her position in her marriage as her husband's helper - not leading him but following him, showing preference to his needs before her own, just as she submits herself to Christ, SHE is a submissive wife. If her relationship to her husband is one of pride, self-will, & the pursuit of HIS role, in which she seeks to be her OWN leader in the marriage, her relationship with Christ is similar." -Me

Marriage advice: This sounds like a bunch of junior-high school crap, but it's something I wish a lot of adults would keep in mind. "There is no "I" in team. And that's what you are part of. You don't get to quit. You don't get to stop being loyal. You don't get to say "I hate you, so I'm done," you don't get to punch your defense in the face even if his defense isn't played out the way you want it, and you don't get to make all the plays. You work together, or you fall apart. Period." -me

Advice for a new wife? Sure. "Come take a walk with me. This won't be brief but you'll wish it lasted longer." -me

"For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones." (Isa 57:15) "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." (Psa 51:17)

"The day I stop praying for the lost is the day my salvation doesn't matter to me." -me

"It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, 'Always do what you are afraid to do.'" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You become like the one you follow." -Matt Slick

"1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:1-5

"Treat him today like he deploys tomorrow." -me

"I am a disciple of the Messiah. I will not let up, look back or slow down. My past is redeemed, my future is secure. I am done with low living, small planning, smooth knees, mundane talking, chincy giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised or rewarded. My face is set; my goal is sure. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few. My God is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, delayed or deluded. I will not flinch in the face of adversity, not negotiate at the table of the enemy or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I am a disciple of the Messiah. I must go until He comes, speak of all I know of Him and work until He stops me. And when He comes for His own, by the grace of God, He will have no problem recognizing me, because my colors are clear." -unknown pastor from Africa

"Let your Christianity be so unmistakable, your eye so single, your heart so whole, your walk so straightforward that all who see you may have no doubt whose you are, and whom you serve." ~ J.C. Ryle

“Wisdom is the right use of knowledge. To know is not to be wise. Many men know a great deal, and are all the greater fools for it. There is no fool so great a fool as a knowing fool. But to know how to use knowledge is to have wisdom.” -Charles Spurgeon

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

"If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends) 'Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?' chances are, you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self -confident. The real one is scared to death." -Steven Pressfield

"Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God [a] is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.
To the Chief Musician. With my stringed instruments.
(Habakkuk 3:17-19)

"My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing to You,
And my soul, which You have redeemed"
-Psalm 71:23

"You know what I hear every time you open your mouth? Four squirrels bickering back and forth from the same tree. Mih mih mih mih mih. It's MY walnut!" -Nicholas
"Honey, all I was saying just now was that I like your eyes." -Me. LOL

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

"5 You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. 6 “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 5:5-9)

"Little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in actions and in truth." (1 John 3:18)

"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear." -1 Peter 3:15

"Well I figured since you keep dancing around all your problems, maybe you'd come and dance with me." -Rocky Balboa

"I have a friend who tells me from time to time that I need to work on timing, but she tells me at the wrong time, every time." -me (lol)

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones." -Proverbs 17:22

"The afflictions of the righteous are many but God delivers him from them all" -Psalm 34:19

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Sometimes the friendliest people in your life are those who simply don't want to go to hell solo." -God said this to me one day

"God's love is like climbing into a big, warm hug of fleece blankets." -Me

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” -Erica Jong

"You watch tv and don't understand it all, and yet you enjoy it. So what's the problem with enjoying God? Even the parts you don't understand?" -a man on a radio

"People brag about how they love God. Big deal! God is loveable!! The thing to talk about is that God loves YOU! Because you're NOT loveable!" -That same man on a radio

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” -Galatians 2:20

"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:14-19

It doesn't take the place of what I really need

2011-11-21T18:22:00.001-07:00

Here's some music to listen to while you read:

Facebook, Twitter, public forums, tags, chats, etc. There are so many platforms for socializing these days, it's a wonder any of us feel lonely, but we do.

Months ago I felt like I was not getting out enough. Instead of leaving my house, I tried an experiment. I saved on gas and included myself in blog hops, I "liked" a lot of Facebook pages, and I went out of my way to be almost an inclusion ministry of sorts, and in the midst of it, I think I wore myself too thin.

I remember when I was in school, if I got involved in A project, a single project, I put a lot of effort into it. I did all I could do toward that project and pushed through until it was done. Yet now with so many ways to get involved in so many different things, all just a click or two away, I feel like I'm swamped. I found myself treating other ladies as if they were all the same. Being friendly, cordial, and positive, it was easy to fake things. I didn't know any of them well enough to really tell them what was going on, and I didn't really care to know them on a deeper level. But you know me.... I hate superficiality. How do people do it?! I'll never understand.

So I'm re-evaluating my time. What I need to do is spend less time online socializing and spend more time in prayer. Facebook is more popular than God, no doubt, but before Facebook, God was.

A couple days ago, I spent hours reorganizing the kitchen, scrubbing floors, cleaning, de-cluttering, dusting, vacuuming, rearranging the living room, taking things out of the garage and displaying them in their rightful places (something that should have been done years ago), and cleaning out my son's room. Listen, we don't have a big house, and I'm here all the time, yet it did not feel like "home." Who's fault is that? It's mine.

You don't have to endure a deployment or a PCS to lose yourself or screw up the proper order of things. All you have to do is fail to acknowledge God as your first priority.

Understandably, if I deactivate my Facebook account, my photography page and my post-military discharge page will be thrown to the wayside, but at least I can give more of my time to one or the other. I can update a few times here and there on those pages and back out of my personal page. Maybe that will give me incentive to write here more again (and snail mail), and post pictures here, rather than in albums which I never end up printing anyway. People love to look through my pictures. So what? Look through someone else's, or lead me to believe that if I sent you a picture in the mail, you'd actually cherish it. Am I an easily disposable person? Well, that all depends on how much someone wants to know me. I have decisions to make.

Internet friends don't cut it for me. They just don't. I only enjoy scoping out someone's profile for a little while, and then if I see monotonous posts about tv shows or whatever is the latest celebrity gossip, I lose all interest. We all have our interests. I'm not knocking that. I'm just saying, if I call you up on the phone, is that what you'll talk about? Probably not. You'd probably tell me how you are doing. Right? I'd hope so! I need real relationships, real letters, real phone calls, and real people over for real food. And I need it to be a two-way street. I need one-on-one time to learn about each person who is in my life, and it's really hard to do that when the internet seems like a bunch of people screaming for attention. No doubt, there are others who think this way.

At any rate, this is where I'm at. Oh, and by the way -- the Old Testament is fascinating.

Here's my favorite area of the living room.
The book shelf is new. My husband's (late) grandfather made it.
All our theology stuff has room to grow. :)

The things under the tree are Craigslist items currently for sale.
-Roller blades
-Mint condition Mandolin, hard shell case, lesson books, + tuning fork
-Roland Micro Cube Amplifier + cables
-Pink bag with hair accessories

And this is the view of the living room from the dining area where my desk is.

See? Not a big place. Cozy. Modest.

A rental. It's "home."

It's a place to build lasting relationships.

The internet wishes it were this comfortable.

Pictures and My New Workout Routine

2011-11-19T00:23:00.001-07:00

Snow from this morning, outside my window

Ehh, whatever.

Pictures without glasses on - not my brightest idea ever.

And... this is funny. This is as real as it gets, guys.

Actually, maybe THIS is as real as it gets.
Told you. I'm not good at being fake.
Crazy lady....

Ewwww!

Some of you know I've been doing Leslie Sansone at-home walking dvds. You know, they were great for starting. They really were. I had a lot of trouble with them in the beginning because my balance and coordination were so weak, not to mention endurance and stamina were almost at a standstill (haha, get it?). But then I noticed after about a month that I was able to push myself more, and I added ankle weights to my normal routine, and used hand weights throughout the workout instead of just the intervals she did. I'm not saying I got super fit from the dvds, but I definitely lost inches in my waistline, improved my self-confidence, had more energy and stamina during the day, and slept a bit better at night. Overall, working out consistently is worth it, though I hate sweating, and I hate hurting. Didn't I have enough of that when I was in labor with my son? Remember, I had complications and refused all forms of pain medication. Nicole, are you serious right now? You're a Marine wife. Grow a pair.

Explanation: I stopped with Leslie because I couldn't stand the chatter, and her laugh honestly made me want to be Ursala from The Little Mermaid and trade it for --- I don't know.... a fish tail? Rude, maybe. She's a great instructor for beginners but I needed someone to really kick me into gear. I don't need muscle facts. I just need to get the job DONE. I plateaued before too long, and because I wasn't sure where to turn next, I quit all together. I hated not working out because my love handles fairly quickly morphed back into putty, but what I hated more than not working out was the idea of listening to Leslie again. (5 days a week of the same dvd for 4 months. YOU try it. See if you don't want to hurt someone or something.)

Anyway, yes, I did grow a pair. I grew a pair of dvds. Haha. I bought a Carmen Electra Striptease Aerobics workout. That's right! I did that last night. My husband l-o-v-e-s it. Good! He's supposed to! Ha! And... it turns out I'm a natural! Made me want to go dancing again. Yes, we'll call it dancing. LOL. My hips, butt, and thighs definitely felt it today. And no, I'm not referring to sex. It's not going to happen for a couple more days, for obvious reasons that I have just made more obvious than I needed to.

That's not all. I also got the famed Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred dvd. I just did that tonight. Let me tell you how that went down.

Ok, so picture me: A bit flabby in the baby-gut area (it just never got that firm because I avoided crunches like I avoid drinking raw eggs) and not so toned in the hips. Really, I'm just not quite where I want to be in any area of my body, but I mean, I'm not afraid to walk around in flattering clothing, either. I'm still attractive, my husband is pleased, and I know my limits. No one walks around looking at me like I need to go shopping when I'm out of the house. That's disgusting, by the way, you women who have "things" hanging out all over the place. I'm not telling you to get on a treadmill (though you should), but I will say that Goodwill has pants and skirts that cost less money than what you spent on that hooker tattoo on your butt, and the clothing they sell will FIT you. I digress... Don't picture me. I'm not a looker yet. (I also do not have a tattoo on my butt.) Well, maybe I am, but you don't need to look. How's that? My motivation for getting healthy has nothing to do with any of you who read this.

The twenty minutes I spent with Jillian felt like an hour. As humiliating as it was having my husband watching me from his work desk right in front of me (yeah), knowing he was there really pushed me to stick with it, especially because he stayed silent (I don't like his commentary. His idea of physical exercise encouragement is much different than mine is. His comes out like @&#^ you, you piece of !&#Y&. Work your @&!^$ $&!^^%*. You know. Marine Corps style. That's what works for him. For me.... I think Jillian is tough enough.). He was actually impressed, because the straight-through circuit training in the dvd was a bit similar to boot camp in the Corps, in that there is absolutely NO break between exercises. I actually got nauseous. ~~And I fell over at one point.~~ But I made it through to the end!! Twenty minutes! Not so bad, right?! I'm a little concerned about how I'll feel in the morning, or maybe in two days, but I know that if I keep doing it every day, just 20 minutes (I need to keep reminding myself it's only 20 minutes, because it's intense), I can get somewhere good. I can shred my nasty fat, and then the striptease exercises will be much more enjoyable for everyone. LOL

I went onto the Facebook support page afterward. They suggest eating oatmeal 30 minutes before the workout to help keep energy up. And, they recommend a high-protein drink after the workout to help with the muscles. (And of course tons of water.) So what'd I do for the first time in my life?

I combined two cups of milk and a beat-up raw egg, and drank it together. Mmmmmmmm. *gag*

Could be worse. I mean, people think sushi is disgusting, and I love that. So really, was it that bad? No. I'm writing about it because I now think it was amusing. I did talk with my husband about it though, and he's ok with trying (key word) to fit protein powder or something into our budget because we're both trying to pick up the momentum with exercise.

I'm so glad my Mom sent me out homemade Biscotti for my birthday! It was so sweet of her, really! It's all in my freezer now. Special occasions only. (I say this knowing I ate three chocolate covered strawberries before I did my workout. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.)

So, all this blogging? It took me longer to write this out than it took to sweat and cry out in pain! Yeah... well.... if you haven't tried the 30-Day Shred, then you have no idea. If you have, then you understand. All this pep-talking NEEDS to take place.

Here's to tomorrow. Day 29. (You're darn right, I'm counting down!) And when I'm feeling extra frisky, I'll hang out with Carmen Electra, too. Nicholas thinks I should buy the whole series. *wink* Hey! I'm married! It's all good!!!

Morning face

2011-11-17T10:55:00.001-07:00

This is a "before coffee, loud music, whiny children, chores, stress of the day, and makeup" face. It's nice to put a face to the name sometimes, so here it is. I know I look like a 16 year old, but I don't carry myself that way or speak that way. Maybe that means I'll look like a 30 year old when I'm in my 50s. Either way, my husband doesn't seem to mind. :-) People have asked me what I think my most prominent feature on my face is. I think I'd have to go with my lips. They kind-of *cough* take over. I have a running joke with Nicholas about my lips. Every time I wear lipstick out somewhere, if I eat or drink anything, my bottom lip ends up smearing lipstick on my CHIN! That's right. My chin. Kind of embarrassing, but what am I gonna do, right? They are what they are, and I'm okay with that. I'm Italian. Yay.

Birthday

2011-11-15T22:44:00.001-07:00

More gray hairs than I care to count, and with every day of wisdom more sorrow comes to match it. It doesn't matter. God is true and everlasting. Who cares about stress and gray hairs when you get to live for the Lord?

Clearly I don't feel like exalting myself. I don't feel like writing down any of my accomplishments in the last year. *shrug* All I really care about is being another year closer to seeing Jesus face to face and living another year to grow in confidence of who He is. That's good enough for me.

Guest Blog Post!!!!!

2011-11-15T00:45:00.001-07:00

Please do me the honor of heading over to Semper Wifey's blog and read my guest blog post. It took a lot for me to write it and I hope you are blessed by what you read. It's about God in my military family's lives. You're welcome to share it with everyone you know. Please leave comments, too.

Education Under This Roof

2011-11-11T16:54:00.001-07:00

from google images

So much pressure has just been lifted off. Nicholas and I came to an agreement, and you guys may agree or disagree with this decision, but it's ours. Azarel's gonna go to a Christian elementary school if possible, as the Lord leads. I'm not homeschooling him from a young age. If I am completely honest (and when am I not?), I don't even remember how to subtract and divide on paper. I'm patriotic, but I don't have all the names of the founding fathers memorized. My incompetency in these areas and lack of understanding of science and history leaves me to believe that I am just not the person to get my son rolling with all that. If people in my family were into home-schooling, this might come easier to me, but at the same time, having been homeschooled is not a pre-requisite to teaching children at home. I won't fault people who educate either way. This has been a VERY hard decision for me to make and I've been praying about it for years. Ultimately, I believe it's really about whatever works best for the child. Children all learn differently, and teachers all teach differently. And... with God all things are possible, but not always possible immediately.

When he gets older, depending on his learning style and how he does, we may pull him out of the public/private school and do homeschooling. In the mean time, I'm going to be the most involved mom I possibly can be, I'm going to teach him stuff on top of going to school, I'll help him through his homework, and God will STILL be glorified. Also, while he's in school, I will focus on learning how to teach him, learn some self-defense (Nicholas's wishes for me), and I will gear up mentally for the future. Also, Lord-willing, we'll have another baby to raise from infancy, so I'll be plenty busy. I am 100% against stay at home moms putting their kids in school and then doing nothing during the day. I am called by God to remain home, and there is no shortage of things to do. There IS homeschool curriculum I'm interested in trying out, but they don't start for a few years anyway. (Switched-on Schoolhouse starts with Grade 3.) Azarel is very bright and I would not be shocked if he did so well in school that he skipped a grade. I just don't know how to hone in on and stretch his skills.

I was going to go to school to learn this (I was accepted to Southern Connecticut State University in 2007 for Elementary Education), but God closed the door and instead made me the military wife/mother/woman I am today. So obviously the desire to teach is in me, but I need help, and I need time. I know the benefits of homeschool. I know the benefits of public/private school. Either way, a lot of it falls on the teacher, and I need to learn more before I can teach. I am not interested in having anxiety attacks at night anymore because I'm afraid I can't teach my son and know where I lack. This was a weekly occurence. You know what? Anxiety is not of the Lord. And when I gave Him all my cares and then prayed again about being the sole provider of Azarel's education in his younger years, the anxiety came back. Eventually I put two and two together. (That's math I CAN do.)

I think I'm saying all this because a lot of friends my age who are struggling with a desire to home school maybe need encouragement to know that if you are a devout Christian, you don't need to feel like a complete failure if you find that the best option for you is public or private education for a time, no matter how long or short you believe you need to do it. You DO need to make the decision mutually and without contempt with your family. Never compromise with a grudge. After all, your childrens' education affects the ENTIRE family. Not just you or your spouse. And grudges come back to bite everyone; even those having no awareness of your grudge.

The pressure I felt from some people TO homeschool exclusively has been horrible, to the point where I cried myself to sleep many nights, which maybe none of you knew about. Education is really important to me! Education of my children is absolutely a priority in my life! I needed to know that I was not less of a Christian or in sin even, for embracing the idea of school outside of home, and even if my child(ren) goes to school outside the home for a time, I can still teach at home on top of it. I have a desire to teach, but there is a lot I don't remember, especially from elementary school. :)

The best part of this whole thing is Nicholas and I are on the same page about it. I will be going through Character Qualities at home daily with Azarel, hopefully Heart of Wisdom stuff (if I can wrap my mind around it), as well as give him a sound understanding of the Lord, and that, I believe, MUST be done primarily at home. But, I have no reservations about teaching him that stuff. It's everything ELSE.

Thank you for those of you who have been praying for me regarding this issue, as there have been a couple of you I have confided in about my struggle with this decision. I hope that those of you who know how much I "want" to homeschool will not judge me in this regard, and also that when the day comes that we pull Azarel out of the public or private school he attends, that you will not wrongfully judge us then. I will likewise show the same grace to you in your decisions, always praying that our children learn exactly what they need to in order that they may be equipped to take on the world with a good foundation, leadership qualities, academics to succeed in a wide variety of fields, and more than anything, a healthy fear of the Lord, because the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. (Proverbs 1) What must be done in every Christian house before any decision is made is prayer. Prayer prayer prayer. Make no decision without prayer between your whole family, and spend time in the Word, and also spend time waiting on the Lord to direct your steps. Peace is found this way, and so is understanding.

Those of you who feel strongly about education either way, please do not leave any comments along the lines of "homeschool is for idiots" or "public school is only for liberals who want to be brainwashed." God is sovereign, is He not?

Four years ago

2011-11-10T16:48:00.001-07:00

Four years ago today I was choking down my fears while waiting for my husband to come back from his second deployment early. I drove down with his parents from their house in Idaho where I was living while he was deployed. Deployment cut short, I quit my ministry job without giving them any notice (how could I?) because I got a call saying my husband was flying home in two days from the medical facilities in Germany, injured, broken, in and out of a drug-induced stupor, with the memory of an infant.

When I got on base, I meddled around in the new apartment I signed a lease for when I received the call from my husband's SSgt to say that my husband was with him and would be meeting me shortly. I tried hard to prepare my heart. He then said, "Your husband is __ Cowan, correct?" "What?!" I shouted. "No! My husband is Lance Corporal Vandeventer! You mean you didn't send the right person home?! Where is my husband?! Did you lose him?!" SSgt said, "You're kidding! Oh #^!%! Ma'am, I am so sorry, but no, I do not know where your husband is. As soon as I find more out, I will let you know."

Yep, that was my welcome to Camp Pendleton.

When I got the call, along with explicit apologies, I did meet him and the other injured warrior who came back from my husband's sister company. It was nice to meet them because I finally had a sense of contact for a human on the base who at least knew who my husband was.

The next day after I drove my husband's parents to the San Diego airport, I was terrified. Driving through a state I knew next to nothing about, I was in "figure it out all on your own without any aid" mode. I got back to the base shaking like a rattle, found my way to my apartment for the first time ever, and waiting for the phone call. I didn't even know how to cook. I didn't have money to buy anything. My name wasn't on my husband's bank account because there wasn't time to put it on between the wedding and his deployment one week later. I couldn't have eaten if I tried.

As I waited in the Naval hospital's liaison room, I met his other SSgt, who told me if it was easier, I could just go back home and they'd call me when my husband was all checked with vitals and everything. I couldn't leave. The only security I had in the world at that moment was in that room, it felt like. So I sat. For about an hour or so. Finally, he came in, being guarded by another liaison who made sure he didn't fall over. Slurring his words, looking like he was lost, wearing an outfit almost identical to the one I first met him in (jeans and a white-collared button down blouse). He was alive. But is this the man I married? Is he anything like that man at all? I wondered.

Then it hit me. It's Veteran's Day. November 11th, 2007. And I can't say Happy Veteran's Day to him! Not like this!

from Facebook page SemperFi KindaLove

Now it hits me. It's Veteran's Day, November 11th 2011, and I am more proud of my husband than I've ever been. I attempt (and fail many times) to honor his service every day, because he deserves honor every day. I want to stand on street corners and shout about how awesome, loyal, strong, faithful, courageous, loving, merciful, committed and serving he is to every single person I see. I bore his child. I got to stand by his side and watch his recovery. I get to see his faith in the Lord and works unto the Lord surpass even my dreams. I get to stand by his side and support him and learn how to support him better. I get to be his wife. I am the wife of a United States Marine, who still serves, still protects, and still honors God, his Country, and his Corps, in a different capacity than both he and I desire, but when you work for the Lord, your service isn't always what you wish. It is in God's hands and God still trains us to conquer each enemy that comes ruin us because of His strength and goodness. My husband is still God's 0311 Grunt and he's still got some of the deepest pride in the Corps I've ever seen from anyone and some of the greatest leadership I've ever known in a man. And I'm his not-so-secret admirer. No one can take that away from him or I.

This is a picture he sent me before we first met/married.

It's a cell picture, so not the greatest quality.
The man is high-quality, though. :)
He was training in 29 Palms at the time.

If you want an up-to-date picture of him, too bad. You'll have to wait. lol

Conversations and Thoughts Congealing

2011-11-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

SOME CREEP JUST WENT UP TO MY WINDOW AND THREW HIS HEAD AGAINST THE GLASS, TAPPED IT, SMILED, AND WALKED AWAY!! NIGHTMARE COME TRUE!

Oh wait. It was just my husband messing with my startle reflex, KNOWING I HATE THE IDEA OF PEOPLE DOING THAT! UGH!

On a lighter note, Azarel came up to me saying he was sad. I asked him why, and he said "Because I can't see the sky." That's why the blinds were opened in the first place.

*heartbeat slowly returns to normal*

A bit later, I was wondering why I felt overcome with a hot flash. I turned to the thermostat in the house, just to check. My son turned it up to 85! Everyone is free to quit messing with me! Now would be a great time!

**time ticked on by**

Bed time went something like this:

‎"Mama, I wanna read a book."
"Nope. You can't read a book. It's past bed time and you wanted to play with toys instead."
"Oh, but how about a book?"
"Nope, not tonight. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"In the closet."

I have very simple things to post right now because I have been really moody for the last few weeks. Everyone's first thought is "maybe you're pregnant," but there are a few reasons why I don't want to get ahead of myself and think I might be. I have a very creative imagination. I don't want to dwell on the possibility and then be disappointed if I'm not. Not only that, but finances are more tight than they've been in a while. I'm considering, prayerfully, asking my husband whether or not he thinks I should reapply for food stamps. I hate the idea of doing that. Our budget for this month is $100 as far as I'm aware. It's already spent today, though thankfully I gave up buying brand-name foods or buying things just because they're on sale. If they're not the necessities or cheap cheap, then I'm not buying them. I'll just have to pretend they're as tasty as the normal stuff. May as well do some fasting, too. Fasting from delicacies. Smaller portions too, and lots more bread-making, which thankfully I am starting to really enjoy doing.

A friend gave me an Amish Friendship Bread starter about 20 days ago, and I kept the remaining starters and made more, so come tomorrow (or maybe tonight) I will freeze some, and end up baking a few more loaves of bread. Each starter by the end of the ten-day fermenting stage ends up as enough wet portion of the dough to make three loaves, Normally you'd keep one to make more, and give two away, but I'm trying to stock up on what we have here to eat, and I also want to be able to give some away as Christmas presents, so I'm letting the ingredients multiply like bunnies. Boink. I have a bunch of varieties of the bread to try, too. Vanilla, chocolate, butterscotch, and then you can play with nuts and chips and whatever else. Anyway, I digress...

You know what else? I notice the craze of Pinterest. You know what Pinterest provokes in me? Covetousness. Time to cut back on that, too then. *sigh* It's everywhere. "Covet covet covet." "Need need need." "It's on sale so buy it." "Your son would be so cute in this." "What a neat gift idea." "I'd love to go there and get away from it all." "All amenities included." "No interest for up to 36 months." "Credit cards are a great way to learn money-management." It's all coveting. Don't NEED it. Extra! Extra! Read ALL about it.

This moody business is making me nuts, and yet I know that what's irritating me more than ever lately is sin. It's like sin is being magnified. People think I'm nuts about how anti my own sin I am. What's the big deal, right?! WRONG! But I am also finding it a lot harder to control my emotions, and I have a lot less of a desire to try to control them. Still, I'm staying in the Word (I am now done with the New Testament and began the Old Testament yesterday) and staying in prayer.

Other things are on my mind, but at this point it's all just like ffffffbbbbbbttttttt. You know what I mean?

I'm done. Gonna make some peppermint tea, put some food away from dinner, and maybe read, maybe wash dishes. I am not buying a pregnancy test. If I don't get my period, that will be my test.

Last random note:

Facebook from my son's perspective

2011-11-07T21:49:00.002-07:00

He's two.

Beautiful Confirmation/Affirmation

2011-11-05T00:38:00.003-06:00

This is what a marriage looks like when Christ is not its foundation.
The wind can knock it to and fro, and there is no stability when destruction and deception come.
But, by the faith of one, a whole household may be saved.

"And they said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.”
Acts 16:31 ESV

When I said I had a trying afternoon, I was being as vague as possible, feeling compelled by the Holy Spirit not to share what was on my mind, knowing that there was more to come. I pay careful attention not to blow up in emotional frenzies when I am having a hard time, because I know my words can be absolutely vile. I am a saint according to the Bible, but my thoughts can be like venom. God helps me, let me tell you! He saves me from destroying people with my thoughts. He guards my lips and bridles my tongue. I have endless praises for Him because of this.

Much to my surprise today, as I was listening to my favorite radio program, a few minutes into it I heard my husband's voice. My husband talked about dryness. Spiritual dryness, that is. He talked about how for the last two years he'd been dealing with feeling drier and drier, unable to really feel close to the Lord, and he wanted to know if the radio show's host had dealt with that, and how to get through it, what might be the cause, and how long that dryness usually lasted. The show's host asked him if he was having issues with me, because that can certainly separate a man from closeness with the Lord. Note the following:

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7

My husband said that was not the problem, and I listened closely, as I did not feel any peace when he said those words. (We do have our differences and when it comes to prayer and the fruit of the Holy Spirit, we differ in many, many ways.) The host said it could be a lack of sleep, an area in which he was in sin, spiritual attacks, a time in which God was wanting him to not be dependent on his own will but to lean on the Lord more, or other reasons.

My husband asked if the host ever experienced a harder time reading the Word when that was happening. The answer, of course was yes. But... he said it didn't matter. Dry season in your life or not, read the Word. Do it anyway. Might be harder to read a lot, but it needs to be done.

How long does the dry season last? Is there a time-frame written in Scripture? Yes, there is. It lasts as long as necessary. (This is what the host said. A clever and completely Biblical answer.)

I had never heard my husband say some of the things he said in the conversation, nor did I think he was dealing with so much dryness that was bothering him so much. Hearing it first on a radio kind of broke my heart. I was sitting in a chat room with friends who were also listening to the show, and I felt about an inch tall, especially since as his wife, I did not know the things he was saying.

Okay, but emotions aside, was I glad thank he was saying it? Yes! Was I glad that the person he was talking to was someone we both look up to in the faith, who we see both as a brother in the Lord and also as an elder/pastor/father figure (if those can even be smushed into one "figure)? Yes!

Well, after he came out from the bedroom where he was talking (yes, this happened while both of us were home), I sat in front of my computer stone-faced, trying not to say all of the things I wanted to say, like "How could you? How was that loving at all toward me? How about you go before God and ask Him about dryness? Why have we had so many conversations about closeness with the Lord and you have not mentioned this to me? It explains a lot, but the last two years I'd been wondering when you were going to "act" like a Spirit-filled, loving man, this was really why?!"

I did not say any of that. I choked back my heart, and I looked at him and asked, "Why did I never hear about this before just now?" He went on to tell me that since I haven't been bringing my concerns and things to him, the fault was mine. With a puzzled look in my eyes, I said "You don't see that I haven't been bringing my thoughts about spiritual matters to you because you tell me I'm wrong every two seconds? I try to open up my heart to you and you shut me down. I spend time in prayer, I spend time in the Word, I spend time with people who I know are right with the Lord, and then I try to share where I"m at with you, and you tell me I'm wrong and them blame me for not wanting to talk anymore. How does this work?" He said "I'm going to correct you! If you don't have anything worth listening to, of course I'm going to stop you." I said, "Then you shouldn't wonder why I don't talk to you." This stupid train wreck of a circle went around and around until I was accused of back-biting, and then he left for work.

I was left at home to pick up the pieces of my heart on the floor, finding the irony in that once again, he cut me off and wouldn't hear my heart in what I said. He had asked me what my problem was before we got into it, and I had said to him "Well, you have to go to work soon. Maybe this conversation would be best had after you get home."

God had other plans, though, and I'm glad He did. All that stuff needed to come up. It was festering inside me. I thought he was going to be back at home around 1900, but he wasn't. At about 2300 I had a clear thought in my mind (Not my own, but from God) to call him and apologize, not even thinking he'd answer the phone. Nothing in me wanted to apologize, and yet I felt convicted over the idea of not calling.

So, I pushed my pride down, knowing that my response to the conversation was not honoring God either, and I called him. I was right. It went to voice mail. After I took a break to start talking, I heard a beep, and it was him calling me back.

He was coming home. I didn't blow it that bad. (Wait a minute. What did I blow exactly? We weren't on the same page and I certainly didn't want to submit to him as a godly wife, but didn't he deserve what I said, and then some?) My mind rested a little. He didn't sound angry, either. He was talking, with the host of the radio show, in the same room, and they were talking about me. (The host is a friend of ours if you haven't picked up on that, yet. He lives in our town, too.) He said "What's wrong?" I said "I feel horrible!" and started to cry. "I was just worried about you. You usually call on your way home and you didn't, so I wanted to make sure something wasn't wrong. You are ok then?" He said "Yea, I'm okay. I'm with Matt. We're just talking about you." I said "I'm sorry. Well, I'll see you when I see you then."

I hung up and wept thanks to God, because I knew that Nicholas talking to this friend of ours was completely an act on His part, in perfect timing, and perfectly full of grace. The wait until Nicholas came home was just fine with me. He could have come home at 2am and I'd have been fine with that. When you know the Lord is doing something, you don't dare rush it. I prayed for a move of the Holy Spirit all afternoon, and God heard my prayer. Amen and amen.

He came home about 30 minutes later joking about garbage muffins (he's a janitor), and pulled up a chair near me. He sat in the chair searching for words and opened up about his fears of praying with me, and his fears of praying with Azarel, and about the experience he had with the Lord's condemnation before he was saved. The condemnation he felt back then for being in error still permeates through his spirit and leaves him severely afraid of failing God. He did not see that his fear of failing was where he was failing. He knew he would screw up, but the fear of God's condemnation still gripped him.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." -Romans 8:1

"5 (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); 6 not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. 7 Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil." 1 Timothy 3:5-7

He broke into tears, trembling, telling me that he needed to apologize to me for finding faults in me instead of looking to the Lord and dealing with his own faults. (Ladies and gentlemen, you read that correctly! Read it twice if you need to! I'm writing this very slowly because my own head is still spinning.) He told me that he realized that I was not bringing my thoughts and ideas and whatever else to him, needs I had, emotional and mental, because he was not showing any of Christ's love to me (Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3). He saw that because he lacked in that area, I was defending myself from being hurt by not telling him things. He apologized for not being a Christian husband and admitted to being a failure in this respect.

None of this is to say that I am without flaws, but for once, it wasn't about me and what was wrong with me. For once I didn't have to defend myself. God defended me (Not to say that my husband is an enemy. He's not! He's my husband!). Maybe it would be better to say God proclaimed the truth to Nicholas and I had nothing to do with it, except for my prayers. Yeah, I think that's probably more accurate. I'm pretty open about my sins. That's because I don't really want God to make me humiliated about them more than I already am.

Excuse me for a bit... I'm back to crying again....

He then told me that he saw that he was being tyrannical and was going to work on it, knowing it was going to take time. He apologized again.

I took a deep breath as he sat there with tears streaming down his face, looked into his eyes, and said "I forgive you. I didn't tell you things because I knew you wouldn't hear me." He whispered, "I know."

I asked him what I could do to help him with all of this so that he didn't think he was alone in it. I want to be a helpful wife, always. He appreciated it, but said that this was going to have to be between him and the Lord, since he was supposed to be doing all this with the Lord primarily to begin with anyway. (At this point I gently chided with him saying that he is often too quick to give himself a lot of credit, but not quick to give God enough credit, which he agreed to.) He was right, of course, about needing his growth and refining to be between himself and God, but my prayers won't cease anyway. I did also mention that praying with me more often and praying with Azarel would benefit everyone in the house. He recognized the truth in this, and it was so nice to be heard!!!

I have so many thanks for God right now.

So, I guess in a way, there was some serious repentance needing to take place in this house, and some idolatry purged, because anyone or thing that comes before the Lord in a person's life is idolatry.

I was also affirmed tonight. Nicholas and our friend talked about things that they saw in me. (What? Me??? I'm a nobody!) They made mention of hospitality, generosity, gentleness, servitude, compassion, and kindness at levels that Nicholas doesn't know of in anyone else. (The joke could be made here that he doesn't like to get to know many people so it doesn't mean all that much, but Nicholas is a very observant person. He just doesn't know a whole lot about affirmation. Rather, he does, but doesn't voice it in the ways that womanly me needs them to be voiced sometimes. I'm a words-of-affirmation kind of lover.)

And Lord, I hope the people who are reading this do not think me conceited after writing what I have written. I know that the only reason I am anything good is because of You. I did not know that those gifts of the Spirit were evident in my daily life. I really didn't. I just seek to know You, Jesus. And I seek to be like You every moment I'm alive.

Goodness, I have said so much. I had a lot on my mind, obviously. In all of this, there is grace, and I cling to it. My husband was told by someone he trusts that his theology was all wrong in the love department, and for the first time, he heard it, and realized it was true. That just blows my mind. Lord, have Your way, and help me to pray exactly what needs to be prayed. You know I do not pray if I do not have faith that You will hear me or answer. And I lift up others of our friends who are also battling with dryness. I imagine that we went through this so that we have yet another means by which to witness to people, and so I praise you a lot for that, too. I also lift up those who are struggling with really rough marriages right now, financial ruin, spiritual and physical bankruptcy and poverty, poor health, infertility, depression, family problems, and God, so much more You know. I won't mention names here. I just want to focus on the majesty and power and glory that is in You and nowhere else, forever and ever. Amen.

This is about all I've got right now

2011-11-04T21:43:00.000-06:00

I made this yesterday.

It's been a trying afternoon,

but at least I'm finally in the last ten chapters of Revelation.

I will finish the New Testament tonight.

*squints eyes*

When I look...

2011-11-03T19:49:00.002-06:00

When I look straight, I see the world as it sees itself: Changing, but always stuck in its sin, walking to and fro, never satisfied, and always in want more for of itself, always seeking happiness, praising itself with blind assurance of a concept of God that isn't based on truth, and always seeking because happiness isn't eternal outside of Christ Jesus.

When I look down, I can't see a thing except for the dirt from which I came, and without perspective, I lose sight of what matters to God. I grow depressed and hopeless. Selfishness overtakes me and I become a victim with many opinions. Like grass, the light fades because the more lies I believe, the farther I am from God.

When I look at myself, I see a pig pile of sin and repentance, and being changed from glory to glory, I am not complete yet. Imperfect, I'm seeking to look up, even with my short and slighted sight. I am tempted, and when I am looking at myself, often temptation gets the best of me. And then... I'm back to looking down.

But when I look up, I see the world as God sees it: His own creation, the lost and the found, the wicked and the upright, the angels and the demons mingling with each other in a battle far more gruesome than people know, and I desire Him more than ever before. When I look up, I desire holiness, I desire righteousness, and I desire to be like Christ. I am driven by a law greater than myself, a love greater than myself, and a salvation unstoppable.

Where are you looking?

From my 2010 album my Facebook photography page:
I see You photography

I just saw something I hadn't seen before

2011-11-03T13:59:00.003-06:00

So.... I was just reading an update from Facebook page that said the following:

8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear false witness,” “You shall not covet,” and if there isany other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

From Romans 13, I find these verses interesting for a new reason today. In the past I found it fascinating that the goal is to owe nothing to anyone except to love them more (while I often owe people an apology, forgiveness, or even money --- for those of us in debt). Today I read the words more closely and saw that coveting, a sin I often commit, is an issue of loving my neighbor. People don't normally think of coveting something as causing harm or not loving another person.

Can you think of ways that it is unloving toward your neighbor to covet what they have?

To covet is to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property. It is also to wish for, especially eagerly.

Other verses that stand out to me about coveting are;

Exodus 18:21
Moreover you shall select from all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them to be rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens.

Exodus 34:24 For I will cast out the nations before you and enlarge your borders; neither will any man covet your land when you go up to appear before the LORD your God three times in the year.

Deuteronomy 5:21 ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife; and you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, his male servant, his female servant, his ox, his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.’

Joshua 7:21 When I saw among the spoils a beautiful Babylonian garment, two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold weighing fifty shekels, I coveted them and took them. And there they are, hidden in the earth in the midst of my tent, with the silver under it.”

Psalm 119:36Incline my heart to Your testimonies, And not to covetousness.

Proverbs 12:12
The wicked covet the catch of evil men, But the root of the righteous yields fruit.

Proverbs 21:26 He covets greedily all day long, But the righteous gives and does not spare.

Proverbs 28:16 A ruler who lacks understanding is a great oppressor, But he who hates covetousness will prolong his days.

Jeremiah 6:13
“ Because from the least of them even to the greatest of them, Everyone is given to covetousness; And from the prophet even to the priest, Everyone deals falsely.

Jeremiah 8:10 Therefore I will give their wives to others, And their fields to those who will inherit them; Because from the least even to the greatest Everyone is given to covetousness; From the prophet even to the priest Everyone deals falsely.

Habakkuk 2:9 “ Woe to him who covets evil gain for his house, That he may set his nest on high, That he may be delivered from the power of disaster!

Luke 12:15
And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”

Romans 7:7
[ Sin’s Advantage in the Law ] What shall we say then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! On the contrary, I would not have known sin except through the law. For I would not have known covetousness unless the law had said, “You shall not covet.”

Ephesians 5:5 For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Colossians 3:5 Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

Hebrews 13:5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Did you figure it out? I posted so many verses because Scripture explains itself. The last couple verses explain it to a T.